SOMETIMES I TRY TO REMEMBER

WRITTEN JUNE 3, 2010

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to sleep until I woke up on my own, when I poured a cup of coffee in the morning and sat out on the back deck watching the deer. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to get in the car and just go, without packing snacks, water, change of clothes,books, and switching car seats. How long has it been since we picnicked at the river with friends without worrying how deep the water is or how close we are sitting to the bank. Have I slept a full night since my first baby was born? What did it feel like to be totally alone in a clean house, or alone with my husband? I remember conversations about when we retire these are the things we want to do. When I couldnt wait to  be Grandparents, spoiling a brood of children, having special days and sleepovers.
Someone told me last weekend that she thought it was a healthier sign that I do question how am I ever going to do this for the next 15 years.

But then I look down at this little man curled up beside me in my bed, Wonder Pets on TV, and I know this much is real. I watched my friends this weekend, taking their time, sleeping late, sitting out by the campfire after dark, and for a moment I was envious. Until I realized,how many times did someone curl up with them today, put their arms around them, and simply say, I LOVE YOU, over and over, all day long. It may not be the future I envisioned, but, what I have is so much more.