TRIPLE DECKER

When my Dad was in a nursing home I still had one teenager at home in High School and 1 in college, and 1 newly married. I was told I was a member of the "sandwich generation."
What would you call me now with a recently widowed mother living close by, 2 adult children and their families including 4 grandchildren ..also close by, my husband and Holden real close by and a job.............maybe a triple decker?  A jam pile?   Whatever you call it-I feel like Im on the bottom most of the time.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

As I have been bringing my original Blogs out of draft mode and into publishing and sharing, I am looking back on those early times with H. and wondering how I kept it together.  I am sure those closest to me would dispute that I did.  He was so young, barely 2, not eating solid foods, not sleeping more than an hour at a time, not being able to be alone in a crib, and not talking.  It wasnt as if I was completely out of practice because the other 5 Grandchildren had come before him in rapid succession over a 5 year period and I was very involved in their lives.  But full time, sleepless nights and all day neediness was difficult to say the least.  We have come so far since those early months and years, Holden, Papa and I, yet some of the effects of early trauma and  separation issues remain.   He still cannot sleep alone for an entire night, he struggles with being separated from us, and needs constant reassurance that we are coming back.  School was a nightmare the first year. I will talk more of these challenges in future writings. 

Today I am realizing I have been letting go of his Mother. Is  is  a process for both he and I.  Even in her absence, she is with us , but in order to move on in this new family, we have to find a place for her that is a  less painful and less in the forefront of our lives.  After having him for more than 4 years, I didnt see how an adoption would change things, other than the legalities, but it has. There are no more questions about what would we do if.....or when she ever decided to take him back.  She cant now.  We are his parents.  We are his forever family.  As much as I love my daughter, and as much as I pray for her safety, and hope that she one day will turn her life around,  Holden, Papa and I couldnt wait any longer.  We all needed some closure. We  needed to heal and to go on with our lives.  And we are.  She will always be a part of us, she is my child too, and she was his Mother in the beginning of his life.  In letting her go myself, I am helping Holden to let go. I am allowing her to follow her own path, but that doesnt mean I have given up the hope that one day it will lead her back to us because we are her forever family too. 

IN THE BEGINNING

Within the year when we became full time Grand--Parents to our 2 yr. old Grandson Holden in 2008 I began writing down some of the things he would say or do that had an impact on our lives as well as some of the struggles we faced in becoming parents again in our late 50's.  Because it was a guardianship arrangement, I did not make these little stories public, but now that we have finalized his adoption on September 27, 2012, I have decided to open  my blog.  During the adoption process I stopped writing for awhile so I will be bringing that up to date while interjecting some of the older stories.
One part of Raising H. is about our journey together to become a family.  The other part of Raising H. is about what I have been doing in the State of Michigan trying to get support and services as a Kinship Caregiver with an informal guardianship.  I was ask to present a workshop at the annual Wrap Around Conference this past summer on  Grandparents Raising Grandchildren and a friend of mine helped me come up with this title.  It fit . 

SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM

GRANDMA? SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM . This popped out casually while he was playing on his DS.
 Well, sometimes I miss her too.
 DO YOU REALLY? AWE THATS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
 Do you feel bad when you miss her?
 NO, THATS WHY I HAVE YOU. SO I DONT HAVE TO FEEL BAD. I JUST MISS HER, THATS ALL.

Just Where Did You Get Me?

The most thought provoking and intimate conversations come from the back seat of the car while I am driving. GRANDMA, GRANDMA, JUST WHERE DID YOU GET ME FROM? You were in your Mommy's tummy and when you came out I was there and I fell very much in love with you. And when your Mommy could not take care of you, she gave you to me because she knew I loved you so much and I would take very good care of you. OH. WELL, ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP ME? Yes Little Man, I am going to keep you...... For always.

I Guess I Just Won't Have A Very Good Day

I'd like to say that Ed and I have a full social life and that we got out together just the two of us at least once or twice a week. I wish. I'm thrilled if he asks me if we want to go to Home Depot with him,( but even more thrilled if he just takes Holden) except for when were on vacation in Florida, and then it just seemed wrong (but we went). So, Wal-Mart for groceries is it. All three of us hate it so it's even stevens if we go together. The cashiers have finally stopped remarking on how much fun it is to spoil grandchildren and send them home. I just kept gritting my teeth saying yes it would be but he is ours. They dont even pretend to believe me. Up until recently we would just put him in the cart and let him eat his way through the store as we buried him in groceries. One gentleman had been following us for quite awhile and finally had to ask if he ever stopped talking. only when his mouth is full of fruit snacks and we are not to that aisle yet. No matter how large a store we are in, we can always find our way out by following the crumbs.Cashiers were always bringing it to our attention that did we know we had an open box of cereal, crackers, juice.
Now, he wants to walk. And he wants a toy for "being having". Sometimes it works. Sometimes, not so much. A woman commended me once for being strong and not giving in to him. What that was all about I have no idea. There have also been times when Ed has just scooped him up and carried him screaming out the door while I finish up.We try to go before 4:00 because 1 minute later than that and he grows fangs, starts spinning his head all the way around. and becomes very,very loud.


I was pushing him (still in the cart at that time) and he was tossing things out as we went. I reached out, gave him a swat on the back of he head and told him to knock it off. Naturally, he bumped his head on the front of the cart, started screaming YOU HITTED ME, YOU PUSHDED ME. YOU HURTED ME. What did I do? What anyone else would do. Looked around to see if anyone was watching, checked for security cameras, and kept right on going.

Tonight the toy thing got a little out of hand and everything he chose was over the $.99 matchbox car limit. So everything was a no. Finally he made his best"poor me" face, shuffled his feet and said, downcast but outside voice loud--I GUESS I JUST WONT HAVE A VERY GOOD DAY THEN. We settled on bubbles.....

Grandma, Grandma I Seed A Snake

We live on 80 acres with a river 1/2 mile straight back from our house. When Holden was too young to walk, I would put his car seat in the Mule ATV and go for rides. As soon as he was old enough we began our walks to the river. I have a special spot there that I go to and "think" when things are too much. Each of my Grand kids have been introduced to this place, but for Holden, it's as sacred as it is to me. It is the walk there that is the adventure. Today, sticks were dinosaur bones, rocks were turtle shells, the woods a magic forest and the river an ocean full of sharks. On the way home he is jabbering away on my right side when I suddenly felt him blow past me on the left and proceed on ahead before he stopped. GRANDMA, GRANDMA, I SEED A SNAKE, A SNAKE, A SNAAAAAKE in rapid fire succession. I turned and, yes there was. When I see a snake it is  all I can do to keep from throwing up, but for the sake of a little boy, I offered to go closer so we could really seem him better. NO THANKS, I CAN SEED HIM JUST FINE FROM RIGHT HERE..... LET'S THROW STICKS AT HIM. That's my boy.



On another of our walks Holden called me over to him....GRANDMA, GRANDMA, BE VERY QUIET AND LOOK WHAT I HAVE. He had his hands cupped together and he opened them just a little to give me a peek. LOOK, I'VE CAPTURED THE WIND AND I WILL TAKE HIM FOR A WALK WITH US. As we were leaving the woods, he opened his hands wide and said THERE YOU GO, NOW YOU ARE FREE TO MAKE THE TREES DANCE.