A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Each year couples celebrate  the anniversary of their wedding day when they made the commitment to love , cherish, honor and obey till death do us part.  Today, Ed and I celebrate the 1 yer anniversary of another kind of commitment.  The day we promised to love, cherish, and provide all things necessary to ensure a child has the best possible chance for a life from childhood to adulthood.  Oh, and Obey. One year ago today our adoption of Holden became official and his front and center place in our lives permanent. We are not so delusional as to think we will be here to watch him raise his own family, after all we are in our 60's. But what we can do is to leave him with a legacy of first hand knowledge of our many years of life experience. I wish I could say  we we have reached a place where we are done making mistakes, we arent, but I do think we are able to move on from them quicker.  I dont think we have all the answers to raise a child, in fact I think with the challenges Holden has presented, I know less, but I am more willing to ask for help .  We are readily admit we have far less energy, but much more patience-possibly because it takes longer to catch him and by then we have forgotten why we got up anyway.  I think he is growing up with more privilege than my other older three, with less  financial resources.    He has our unlimited time, our undivided attention, an entire house and acreage as his play space.  Our world is his world, and vise versa. He doesnt have to share, a minor glitch in his personality that we probably should work on.   We choose our battles.  There again, the rapidity that we are required to move into action comes into play. If we dont rock his boat, he doesnt rock ours. He is doubly loved.   Very soon I will take refresher courses in Math and Science as I have no idea what he is doing with homework.  I thought there was only one way to count, add, subtract divide, or  multiply, but apparently thats not true.  We were discussing the amount of time I spend in the car again running after him.  The miles are adding up quickly and I can remember a few short years ago I could go days (mostly in the winter) without ever turning the ignition key.

The ways in which our lives have changed since Holden came to live with us permanently when he was 18 months old would fill a book, but the way our lives have changed since the adoption are more subtle, but ever so monumental to us.  The first thing we noticed is that we stopped worrying about him having to leave us.  He had been with us for nearly five years and we couldnt imagine life without him.  We were always Grandma and Papa.  After the adoption, Mom and Dad.  I love when I am in the school and the kids will say Hi Holden's ummmm Grandma?  Mom? Whoever you are? Hi. We became an official family, with a new Birth Certificate to prove it.  We (and I mean all three of us) began to "move on", to begin to heal, to let go of the painful past.

 I have thought a hundred times about writing the story of our journey to adoption in one piece instead of status reports on my facebook that I occasionally compile into a blog. It should be called "The Best Decision is Not Always the Least Painful" or Sometimes Adoption isnt the Happiest Day of Your Life".  Because there was a lot of pain in reaching this decision.  We had to let go of what we thought his life, his Mom's life, and most certainly our life was supposed to be.  "Life happens when you make other plans." But I would not have this any other way. He is our child as much as the three I gave birth to .  And he is my Grandchild as much as the other 5 are.  He is doubly loved.  As I said, he has the best of all worlds.

Holden said it best when he returned to school after we had been to court and he announced to his class that he had just been adopted.  In his words  " SOMETIMES THINGS DONT START OUT SO GOOD FOR KIDS, BUT ADOPTION MEANS YOU NEVER HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN."  Mighty wise for a 6 yr. old.  When we talked to him about celebrating this as a special day, I told him some people call this "Gotcha Day".  He thought that was weird because YOU ALREADY GOT ME BEFORE THEN.   I told him it was the day he became an official Wagner.  WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO IS JUST SKIP THE CELEBRATION AND CUT RIGHT TO THE GIFT.

Happy Wagner Day Holden
Love, Your Mom

GRANDMA GRANDMA, WHY DIDNT GOD MAKE STRAWBERRIES BLUE?

We went to Florida to stay at my brother's house for three weeks in February when Holden was 4. My Mom and her husband had been there since before Christmas and my brother and his wife had to be out of town for a week, so of course we would be happy to come and stay. Mom bought our tickets . Within the first week, Holden had pneumonia, (he's asthmatic) and my Mom's husband, who was in poor health, was scheduled for surgery. Mel did not survive, Holden was like the energizer bunny on speed (albeuterole inhaler 4 X's a day). We did an excellent job of dealing with the death around Holden. In fact, he didn't have a clue. Until 2 months later. . While we were out for a walk he asked when Papa Mel would be home from Florida , and I explained that he wouldn't be because he had died.OH, THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD was his response.

The next day in the car....GRANDMA, GRANDMA, WHY DIDN'T GOD MAKE STRAWBERRIES BLUE? I guess because he already had blueberries. And without missing a beat--WHY DID PAPA MEL GET DEAD? Well, because now he can be with God and he isn't sick anymore and he even has 2 legs again so he can run across Heaven. OH, BUT I CAN'T  FEELD HIM ANYMORE. Yes you can. He is in your heart, put your hand there and you will feel him. I CAN FEELD HIM, BUT HOW DID HE GET THERE? God let him be there. BUT IF GOD CAN DO THAT, WHY CAN'T HE MAKE HIM NOT BE DEAD?......Back seat conversations are not for the weak.

THIS MUCH I KNOW: Everyone mourns in their own way, no one way is right or wrong. But it is impossible to feel sad for very long with a three year old in the house.
My step father was the same age I will be when Holden graduates from high school. I need to take better care of myself so that I do not become prematurely old.

BITS AND PIECES FROM THE NOT TOO DISTANT PAST

GRANDMA, GRANDMA! HURRY . MY BEDROOMS FLOODING. I THOUGHT THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN THE MOVIES, BUT ITS REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT HERE.
 So, I go downstairs and he's right. His bedroom is flooding because the water is running out of the ceiling. I ran upstairs, jiggling toilet handles, shutting of the washer, the dish washer. and then I reach the back vanity area in what used to be the master suit. Water was running over the counter top, saturating the carpet. Hot water. Very soapy water. Oh crap. He told me he was going to wash his cars at least a half an hour ago.
 I GUESS I FORGOT TO TURN THE WATER OFF DIDNT I GRANDMA. GRANDMA? GRANDMA? WHY ARENT YOU ANSWERING ME GRANDMA?


GRANDMA, I HATE THESE SHORTS. THEY HURT ME.
 What ? Come here and let me see. Holden, you dont have any underwear on again
OHHH, IS THAT WHY YOU WEAR UNDERWEAR? 
 Remember the  zipper PJ incident?
 OH, YEAH. I GUESS I SHOULD WEAR UNDERWEAR RIGHT GRANDMA?


Get your hands out of your pants please!
 WELL WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM.?
 Put them in your pockets.
 OH, IS THAT WHAT POCKETS ARE FOR? WAIT A MINUTE, IF THAT WAS WHAT THEY ARE FOR THEY WOULD BE IN THE FRONT!
I'm losing the battle Lord. A little help here.

 I STILL CANT UNDERSTAND HOW GIRLS CAN LAY BOY EGGS.
 Because women dont really lay eggs, they give birth to babies. and sometimes they are boy babies and sometimes they are girl babies.
 OH ALL RIGHT, I KNOW THAT, BUT HOW DO THEY GET THEM OUT? I MEAN DO THEY POP OPEN?
 No Dear, they have a special opening where the baby comes out when its time.
 WELL, WHERE IS THE OPENING? GRANDMA? ANSWER ME GRANDMA? WHERE IS IT. SHOW ME. GRANDMA, IM JUST NOT GOING TO STOP ASKING UNTIL YOU TELL ME.........

As I said, Lord. A little help here

THE TWO YOSHIS

My Grandson has a half sister who is 5 years older than he is.  She lives with her Dad and adoptive Mom  and has a good life.  The two of them are very close .Even though they never lived together with their Mother, she did have every other weekend until he was about 18 months old, and somehow he remembers those times.  They still have as much contact as possible despite the fact that her schedule in becoming increasingly busy and she lives an hour away.

Last fall his cousin Bella gave him a pink  stuffed Yoshi from Mario Brothers.  For some reason he became attached to it a carried to everywhere.  Last week, Jonas, Bella's brother gave him the matching blue Yoshi.  When he got home he put them together  like they were hugging.

LOOK, THEY ARE BROTHER AND SISTER, A PINK ONE AND A BLUE ONE.  THEY USED TO BE TOGETHER IN THE SAME HOUSE, BUT THEN THEY GOT SEPARATED WHEN THE PINK ONE GOT GIVEN TO ME..  NOW THE BLUE ONE WAS GIVEN AWAY TO ME TOO AND THEY CAN BE TOGETHER AGAIN.  JUST LIKE SISSY AND ME.  BUT WE WONT EVER LIVE TOGETHER, BUT WE GET TO BE TOGETHER AND SEE EACH OTHER BUT JUST NOT LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER BECAUSE WE HAVE DIFFERENT PARENTS.

I did explain to him that he and Sissy will not be back together in the same house again.  Sometimes it just doesnt work out that way, but that we would always do what ever we can so they could see each other and know each other.  Thats when he said, OH I KNOW THAT MOM, IT'S OK.  JUST SOMETIMES IT MAKES MY THROAT HURT BECAUSE I AM SAD.  BUT IAM HAPPY TOO WHEN I GET TO SEE HER.

It never ceases to amaze me how deeply his thoughts run, and how wise he is for 6 years old.  May he always have this simplistic ability to accept things as they are without being accompanied by the pain that I as his Mom feels.   

EXPERIENCE 1 ENERGY 0

What I have gained in experience, I have lost in energy. No matter how many times I try to tell myself I do not feel any different than I did at 35, my body screams LIAR. The power of a three year old cannot be absorbed through osmosis.

Do not ever underestimate the mind of a three year old when it comes to calculating how to regain the attention he feels he so justly deserves at all times. I can guarantee he will go to extreme measures, my wet socks being a dead give away.

Why is it that I can't get him to brush his teeth, but ...let him find an old toothbrush on the deck that I use to clean the vacuum cleaner filter? How much panic is acceptable when you can't find the toilet brush, but you can find the plunger...in the living room? Why is it that he is so close to the toilet bowl, he can't seem to hit it?

Daylight savings time is seriously over rated. I can't seem to convince him that it's OK to go to sleep while it's still light out but not OK to get up when it isn't.

Everything in my house is either sticky, gooey or gritty. Sugar smacks stick to the bottom of your socks better than any other cereal on the market. I am convinced that Holden's body is composed of double faced tape and magnets, so that when he is in his playroom all he has to do is spread his arms wide and collect as much stuff as his little body can hold and deposit them in the rest of the house. I still have not figured out why this process does not work in reverse unless his room is harboring a recharger. I understand obstacle courses enhance balance and agility, but does that mean we should increase our insurance premiums also?

Holden got a Woopie cushion from his Auntie.I have easily reached the conclusion there is nothing more fascinating to a little boy than a rubber balloon that sounds like farts... He tucks it under his shirt and asks for a HUGGIE. We woke up to the sweet sound first thing this morning.  It will break his little heart not to be allowed to bring it to "show and tell.

SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM

GRANDMA? SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM . This popped out casually while he was playing on his DS.
 Well, sometimes I miss her too.
 DO YOU REALLY? AWE THATS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
 Do you feel bad when you miss her?
 NO, THATS WHY I HAVE YOU. SO I DONT HAVE TO FEEL BAD. I JUST MISS HER, THATS ALL.

DID I SAY TOO MUCH?

I think I might have said too much in my blog this week.  Im not retracting what I said because it was based on facts and experience of myself and of  many other Grandparents that I have come in contact with.  I believe my error in judgement may have been in speaking out about the State of Michigan and its Department of Human Services.  I said nothing that I havent repeated more than once directly to DHS department directors and supervisors in Lansing.  It is not something that has not been said to legislators But they have done nothing to change the situation.  In fact, I and other Board members had said we would not be quiet about the way Kinship caregivers are left unsupported in this State.   Publicly blogging it and tweeting it and having it reposted must be different, because I have found myself unable to post or message on an association's page that supports and lobbies for Kinship issues.  Im not quite sure I understand that.  But the uneasy feeling in myself that I somehow stepped out of line will keep me awake tonight..I am  sure I am not the first to have done this, and obviously I am not the only one who wants to quit because in all these years there has not been any improvement  for Kinship Caregivers or their families.  It is common knowledge to anyone who is a relative caregiver or who works with relative caregivers that the families need support and services and that even their most basic needs are not being met.  What distresses me is that why isnt the reasons for this not being talked about.  Why are relative caregivers-and Grandparent families not getting the necessary help?  How do you fix it without addressing the root of the problem? 

As I said in my previous blog:  I am out of my comfort zone.