GRANDMA GRANDMA, WHY DIDNT GOD MAKE STRAWBERRIES BLUE?

We went to Florida to stay at my brother's house for three weeks in February when Holden was 4. My Mom and her husband had been there since before Christmas and my brother and his wife had to be out of town for a week, so of course we would be happy to come and stay. Mom bought our tickets . Within the first week, Holden had pneumonia, (he's asthmatic) and my Mom's husband, who was in poor health, was scheduled for surgery. Mel did not survive, Holden was like the energizer bunny on speed (albeuterole inhaler 4 X's a day). We did an excellent job of dealing with the death around Holden. In fact, he didn't have a clue. Until 2 months later. . While we were out for a walk he asked when Papa Mel would be home from Florida , and I explained that he wouldn't be because he had died.OH, THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD was his response.

The next day in the car....GRANDMA, GRANDMA, WHY DIDN'T GOD MAKE STRAWBERRIES BLUE? I guess because he already had blueberries. And without missing a beat--WHY DID PAPA MEL GET DEAD? Well, because now he can be with God and he isn't sick anymore and he even has 2 legs again so he can run across Heaven. OH, BUT I CAN'T  FEELD HIM ANYMORE. Yes you can. He is in your heart, put your hand there and you will feel him. I CAN FEELD HIM, BUT HOW DID HE GET THERE? God let him be there. BUT IF GOD CAN DO THAT, WHY CAN'T HE MAKE HIM NOT BE DEAD?......Back seat conversations are not for the weak.

THIS MUCH I KNOW: Everyone mourns in their own way, no one way is right or wrong. But it is impossible to feel sad for very long with a three year old in the house.
My step father was the same age I will be when Holden graduates from high school. I need to take better care of myself so that I do not become prematurely old.

BITS AND PIECES FROM THE NOT TOO DISTANT PAST

GRANDMA, GRANDMA! HURRY . MY BEDROOMS FLOODING. I THOUGHT THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN THE MOVIES, BUT ITS REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT HERE.
 So, I go downstairs and he's right. His bedroom is flooding because the water is running out of the ceiling. I ran upstairs, jiggling toilet handles, shutting of the washer, the dish washer. and then I reach the back vanity area in what used to be the master suit. Water was running over the counter top, saturating the carpet. Hot water. Very soapy water. Oh crap. He told me he was going to wash his cars at least a half an hour ago.
 I GUESS I FORGOT TO TURN THE WATER OFF DIDNT I GRANDMA. GRANDMA? GRANDMA? WHY ARENT YOU ANSWERING ME GRANDMA?


GRANDMA, I HATE THESE SHORTS. THEY HURT ME.
 What ? Come here and let me see. Holden, you dont have any underwear on again
OHHH, IS THAT WHY YOU WEAR UNDERWEAR? 
 Remember the  zipper PJ incident?
 OH, YEAH. I GUESS I SHOULD WEAR UNDERWEAR RIGHT GRANDMA?


Get your hands out of your pants please!
 WELL WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM.?
 Put them in your pockets.
 OH, IS THAT WHAT POCKETS ARE FOR? WAIT A MINUTE, IF THAT WAS WHAT THEY ARE FOR THEY WOULD BE IN THE FRONT!
I'm losing the battle Lord. A little help here.

 I STILL CANT UNDERSTAND HOW GIRLS CAN LAY BOY EGGS.
 Because women dont really lay eggs, they give birth to babies. and sometimes they are boy babies and sometimes they are girl babies.
 OH ALL RIGHT, I KNOW THAT, BUT HOW DO THEY GET THEM OUT? I MEAN DO THEY POP OPEN?
 No Dear, they have a special opening where the baby comes out when its time.
 WELL, WHERE IS THE OPENING? GRANDMA? ANSWER ME GRANDMA? WHERE IS IT. SHOW ME. GRANDMA, IM JUST NOT GOING TO STOP ASKING UNTIL YOU TELL ME.........

As I said, Lord. A little help here

THE TWO YOSHIS

My Grandson has a half sister who is 5 years older than he is.  She lives with her Dad and adoptive Mom  and has a good life.  The two of them are very close .Even though they never lived together with their Mother, she did have every other weekend until he was about 18 months old, and somehow he remembers those times.  They still have as much contact as possible despite the fact that her schedule in becoming increasingly busy and she lives an hour away.

Last fall his cousin Bella gave him a pink  stuffed Yoshi from Mario Brothers.  For some reason he became attached to it a carried to everywhere.  Last week, Jonas, Bella's brother gave him the matching blue Yoshi.  When he got home he put them together  like they were hugging.

LOOK, THEY ARE BROTHER AND SISTER, A PINK ONE AND A BLUE ONE.  THEY USED TO BE TOGETHER IN THE SAME HOUSE, BUT THEN THEY GOT SEPARATED WHEN THE PINK ONE GOT GIVEN TO ME..  NOW THE BLUE ONE WAS GIVEN AWAY TO ME TOO AND THEY CAN BE TOGETHER AGAIN.  JUST LIKE SISSY AND ME.  BUT WE WONT EVER LIVE TOGETHER, BUT WE GET TO BE TOGETHER AND SEE EACH OTHER BUT JUST NOT LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER BECAUSE WE HAVE DIFFERENT PARENTS.

I did explain to him that he and Sissy will not be back together in the same house again.  Sometimes it just doesnt work out that way, but that we would always do what ever we can so they could see each other and know each other.  Thats when he said, OH I KNOW THAT MOM, IT'S OK.  JUST SOMETIMES IT MAKES MY THROAT HURT BECAUSE I AM SAD.  BUT IAM HAPPY TOO WHEN I GET TO SEE HER.

It never ceases to amaze me how deeply his thoughts run, and how wise he is for 6 years old.  May he always have this simplistic ability to accept things as they are without being accompanied by the pain that I as his Mom feels.   

EXPERIENCE 1 ENERGY 0

What I have gained in experience, I have lost in energy. No matter how many times I try to tell myself I do not feel any different than I did at 35, my body screams LIAR. The power of a three year old cannot be absorbed through osmosis.

Do not ever underestimate the mind of a three year old when it comes to calculating how to regain the attention he feels he so justly deserves at all times. I can guarantee he will go to extreme measures, my wet socks being a dead give away.

Why is it that I can't get him to brush his teeth, but ...let him find an old toothbrush on the deck that I use to clean the vacuum cleaner filter? How much panic is acceptable when you can't find the toilet brush, but you can find the plunger...in the living room? Why is it that he is so close to the toilet bowl, he can't seem to hit it?

Daylight savings time is seriously over rated. I can't seem to convince him that it's OK to go to sleep while it's still light out but not OK to get up when it isn't.

Everything in my house is either sticky, gooey or gritty. Sugar smacks stick to the bottom of your socks better than any other cereal on the market. I am convinced that Holden's body is composed of double faced tape and magnets, so that when he is in his playroom all he has to do is spread his arms wide and collect as much stuff as his little body can hold and deposit them in the rest of the house. I still have not figured out why this process does not work in reverse unless his room is harboring a recharger. I understand obstacle courses enhance balance and agility, but does that mean we should increase our insurance premiums also?

Holden got a Woopie cushion from his Auntie.I have easily reached the conclusion there is nothing more fascinating to a little boy than a rubber balloon that sounds like farts... He tucks it under his shirt and asks for a HUGGIE. We woke up to the sweet sound first thing this morning.  It will break his little heart not to be allowed to bring it to "show and tell.

SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM

GRANDMA? SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM . This popped out casually while he was playing on his DS.
 Well, sometimes I miss her too.
 DO YOU REALLY? AWE THATS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
 Do you feel bad when you miss her?
 NO, THATS WHY I HAVE YOU. SO I DONT HAVE TO FEEL BAD. I JUST MISS HER, THATS ALL.

DID I SAY TOO MUCH?

I think I might have said too much in my blog this week.  Im not retracting what I said because it was based on facts and experience of myself and of  many other Grandparents that I have come in contact with.  I believe my error in judgement may have been in speaking out about the State of Michigan and its Department of Human Services.  I said nothing that I havent repeated more than once directly to DHS department directors and supervisors in Lansing.  It is not something that has not been said to legislators But they have done nothing to change the situation.  In fact, I and other Board members had said we would not be quiet about the way Kinship caregivers are left unsupported in this State.   Publicly blogging it and tweeting it and having it reposted must be different, because I have found myself unable to post or message on an association's page that supports and lobbies for Kinship issues.  Im not quite sure I understand that.  But the uneasy feeling in myself that I somehow stepped out of line will keep me awake tonight..I am  sure I am not the first to have done this, and obviously I am not the only one who wants to quit because in all these years there has not been any improvement  for Kinship Caregivers or their families.  It is common knowledge to anyone who is a relative caregiver or who works with relative caregivers that the families need support and services and that even their most basic needs are not being met.  What distresses me is that why isnt the reasons for this not being talked about.  Why are relative caregivers-and Grandparent families not getting the necessary help?  How do you fix it without addressing the root of the problem? 

As I said in my previous blog:  I am out of my comfort zone.

I AM AN ADVOCATE AND I AM WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE

Papa and I began "Raising H.", our Grandson, when he was 2 years old. It became painfully obvious right from the beginning that Relative/Kinship and Grandparent Families were not given the same consideration as other Resource Families.  In fact, if they were not involved with the child welfare system they were not recognized at all by the State. In the 2005 a Detroit Senator introduce a bill designed to support Kinship families which passed in the Michigan Senate, but it had the misfortune of reaching the House at the same time that Michigan  DHS lost a lawsuit over children in care.  The Federal Government stepped in and offered matching funding if the bill was changed so that only those children that were already in the foster care system or were removed from their parental home by child welfare and placed  by court order with relatives  who were able to become licensed by the State of Michigan would receive reimbursements and subsidies.  In order for the the relative to be licensed, a case had to be opened and the criteria for placement met.  This eliminated the very families the author of the bill set out to help.  Many relatives "rescued" the children before the inevitable "something" that had to happen before protective services stepped in.  Many other relatives had the children placed in their care by parents before removal took place to avoid child welfare &; prosecution themselves .  And then, there are the relatives who were contacted by the department and were told that if they applied for guardianship on their own the children would not become  "lost" to the system, and the family would not face the possibility of never seeing them again.  Many relatives signed waivers to avoid placing the children in care for just that reason.   I was told they would just contact  Grandsons Mother and tell her to come and get her child.  I  knew she was not ready for that or she would not have left him in the first place.  If a case was never opened against the parents, or it was closed, then the State avoided having  any responsibility to support the child through foster care reimbursement.   The State can still save money and  comply with the mandates  of the law suit.  Michigan does not participate in subsidized guardianship.  To be clear, there is formal and informal kinship.  Formal has  child welfare and court involvement, has the option to Foster, and receive support.  Informal, what I had, is without the States' involvement and without support.

 I became an advocate because I had asked questions in the beginning, but I was not given any of this information , which  seems to be true for most relative caregivers. . Unfortunately, once guardianship is in place, it is too late to explore your options and have a chance to do things differently.  You cannot surrender your guardianship once it is in place without the risk of being charged with neglect/abuse yourself for abandoning your parental obligation. Families should be given all their options in order to make an informed decision based on the needs of the child and their family.

The first thing I did was join a support group, which I recommend, and learned my situation was not unique in that most of the other relative caregivers (in this case Grandparents), were not receiving any assistance from the State either.  I started speaking to candidates who were running in the next  election and put together a forum of other kinship support group members, the Probate Judge, Michigan State University Kinship Resource  and two representatives. The only one who did not bother to attend was my local Department of Human Services. I wrote letters and made phone calls  asking for help in finding solutions to the complex problems  Kinship families face.   I went to Michigan Association of Foster Adoptive and Kinship Parents annual conference because they had Kinship in their name, the only one I could find in Michigan. They did not have anyone representing Kinship, so I became the Kinship Chair.  I am now the coordinator of the support group I first attended and have helped other areas start groups.  I attend functions at other Kinship groups in Michigan and we share information.  I am online, a lot, with other kinship caregivers.  I speak to any group that will listen and present workshops and trainings to help bring awareness to professionals and people who come in contact with this under served yet rapidly increasing population.  In March, I and another trainer from MSU will be doing a presentation to the Foster Navigators because of the increasing numbers of calls from relative families asking how they can find assistance and they dont have the information.  There is a Kinship Navigator program available from the Federal Government, but it is up to the individual State to apply for it.  Michigan has not.  I also sit on a panel for the Child Welfare Training Institute for new child welfare workers and give them an overview of Kinship.

Michigan is not the only State that fails to provide support and services for Kinship families . It is a problem in the majority of States in the Country.  To give credit, there are a few who recognize the importance of helping relative families, and these are the States we need to learn from as to how they are accomplishing it.  One thing most of them have in common is a solid Navigator program, staffed with those who have a strong passion for Kinship.

This is the time of year when conferences and events are being announced.  For me its like getting a Christmas catalog in the mail.  I want, I want, I want.  There are 3National Conferences this year that are very important, each for a different reason but with strong kinship interest.  I will put them on my wish list along with The National Committee of Grandparents for Children's rights and Generations United both in Washington DC.
.
 The first of my list is the Child Welfare League of America.  Its in Washington DC in April.  They have three Kinship specific workshops I need to attend about how other States are working with Kinship families, and the results of a Kinship Summit in 2011.  There are two women who have worked on a new manual for the CWLA for working with Kinship Families that I have e-mailed with, but not met. Very important information to present to the State of Michigan.

The second one is the National Foster Parent Association Conference in Long Beach California in June.  Late last summer the NFPA posted a request for someone to chair a sub-committee on Kinship under Diversity.  They were looking into ways their organization might be able to support Kinship Families, whether to make a position statement, and possibly a full committee.  I jumped at the chance.  At their mid-year meeting in September, they were not leaning toward making a statement for kinship.  I want to be there, armed with my reports, and try to convince them how important a  kinship  statement from them would be.  It would be like an endorsement.  But I need more networking, more data, more connections.  More families willing to come forward.

The third one is North American Council on Adoptive Children held this year in Toronto.  I applied to do a workshop for that one on family relationships in relative adoptions.  Although not a professional, and having a difficult time coming up with documentation (because there isnt any), I can certainly speak with experience from my heart and maybe help someone else that is struggling.  . I have made friends at NACAC and they always have an excellent agenda for trainings.

I will be able to attend MAFAK's Conference in Lansing because I am a member of the board and I am a presenter again this year.  Unfortunately, all but my stipend for my support group are volunteer positions.   Travel, lodging and registration fees are expensive on a fixed income.  My time, my gas, my credit card. I need to find sponsorship that will help me get to these conferences and events.  Someone that believes in the importance of relatives raising relative children. There are many grassroots movements working for kinship but very little funding is available. There are many more associations, collaborations and organizations that support Foster care and Kinship care should be a part that.  If anyone has the opportunity to attend a State Training Conference, I encourage you to go.

Advocating also means being there for families who need information and support for themselves. Most have never been involved with the courts or DHS,  protective services, mental health or the school systems.  I never had, but I have now and I am willing to share my experiences with them.  They need to know the steps to take for these children because by the time they come into care, they have most likely suffered trauma/attachment issues from neglect and/or abuse.  They come into the home with behavioral problems, spectrum disorders, learning disabilities and physical handicaps.  Relative families need the same training, support and education that Foster parents need to help them heal.

At a recruitment and retention of foster families meeting with  DHS I ask about  informal kinship families and  what is being done to support them.  I was told that the Departments concern was with licensed kinship families only as they were considered foster families.   Go back and get our foster license.  I explained that the majority of kinship families have not been able to do that.
the answer was that DHS was not obligated nor legally mandated to work with or support unlicensed or informal kinship.The law would have to be changed first.  My question is-----what about a moral obligation-------to keep children with family by supporting them in any way they can.

The goal in all of this work is for all families who care for a child they did not give birth to be of equal standing in order to be successful.  No separations between foster adoptive and kinship families. Every family should receive the same reimbursement, have the same access to trainings, have the benefit of a case manager, be able to qualify for assistance if needed, be able to obtain medical coverage.  Especially medical care.  Many caregiver parents fear  they will get sick and without health care,  not be able to care for the children.  Its a reasonable fear especially for Grandparents.

All kinship families need to bond together if change is to happen. It is difficult  to count how many kinship caregivers there are because they are not a part of any system. Most of our legislators are unaware, or uneducated in matters of kinship.  The general public thinks that we are supported the same as foster care .  Many caregivers are reluctant to speak about their private family situations.  There is  fear of the children being removed from their care.  But until more people become involved and work to bring awareness to our law makers, nothing will change.  After being with us for over 4 years, our adoption was finalized on September 27, 2012, after exhausting every avenue I could try to at least qualify him for a medical subsidy.  Maybe the next Grandparent to adopt a grandchild will be able to receive  adoption assistance, an adoption subsidy for the child with special needs, the assurance that child will have medical coverage , be able to receive post adoption services, and qualify for the Federal adoption tax refund.  That would be nice.