IT IS WHAT IT IS

As I have been bringing my original Blogs out of draft mode and into publishing and sharing, I am looking back on those early times with H. and wondering how I kept it together.  I am sure those closest to me would dispute that I did.  He was so young, barely 2, not eating solid foods, not sleeping more than an hour at a time, not being able to be alone in a crib, and not talking.  It wasnt as if I was completely out of practice because the other 5 Grandchildren had come before him in rapid succession over a 5 year period and I was very involved in their lives.  But full time, sleepless nights and all day neediness was difficult to say the least.  We have come so far since those early months and years, Holden, Papa and I, yet some of the effects of early trauma and  separation issues remain.   He still cannot sleep alone for an entire night, he struggles with being separated from us, and needs constant reassurance that we are coming back.  School was a nightmare the first year. I will talk more of these challenges in future writings. 

Today I am realizing I have been letting go of his Mother. Is  is  a process for both he and I.  Even in her absence, she is with us , but in order to move on in this new family, we have to find a place for her that is a  less painful and less in the forefront of our lives.  After having him for more than 4 years, I didnt see how an adoption would change things, other than the legalities, but it has. There are no more questions about what would we do if.....or when she ever decided to take him back.  She cant now.  We are his parents.  We are his forever family.  As much as I love my daughter, and as much as I pray for her safety, and hope that she one day will turn her life around,  Holden, Papa and I couldnt wait any longer.  We all needed some closure. We  needed to heal and to go on with our lives.  And we are.  She will always be a part of us, she is my child too, and she was his Mother in the beginning of his life.  In letting her go myself, I am helping Holden to let go. I am allowing her to follow her own path, but that doesnt mean I have given up the hope that one day it will lead her back to us because we are her forever family too.