SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM

GRANDMA? SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM . This popped out casually while he was playing on his DS.
 Well, sometimes I miss her too.
 DO YOU REALLY? AWE THATS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
 Do you feel bad when you miss her?
 NO, THATS WHY I HAVE YOU. SO I DONT HAVE TO FEEL BAD. I JUST MISS HER, THATS ALL.

DID I SAY TOO MUCH?

I think I might have said too much in my blog this week.  Im not retracting what I said because it was based on facts and experience of myself and of  many other Grandparents that I have come in contact with.  I believe my error in judgement may have been in speaking out about the State of Michigan and its Department of Human Services.  I said nothing that I havent repeated more than once directly to DHS department directors and supervisors in Lansing.  It is not something that has not been said to legislators But they have done nothing to change the situation.  In fact, I and other Board members had said we would not be quiet about the way Kinship caregivers are left unsupported in this State.   Publicly blogging it and tweeting it and having it reposted must be different, because I have found myself unable to post or message on an association's page that supports and lobbies for Kinship issues.  Im not quite sure I understand that.  But the uneasy feeling in myself that I somehow stepped out of line will keep me awake tonight..I am  sure I am not the first to have done this, and obviously I am not the only one who wants to quit because in all these years there has not been any improvement  for Kinship Caregivers or their families.  It is common knowledge to anyone who is a relative caregiver or who works with relative caregivers that the families need support and services and that even their most basic needs are not being met.  What distresses me is that why isnt the reasons for this not being talked about.  Why are relative caregivers-and Grandparent families not getting the necessary help?  How do you fix it without addressing the root of the problem? 

As I said in my previous blog:  I am out of my comfort zone.

I AM AN ADVOCATE AND I AM WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE

Papa and I began "Raising H.", our Grandson, when he was 2 years old. It became painfully obvious right from the beginning that Relative/Kinship and Grandparent Families were not given the same consideration as other Resource Families.  In fact, if they were not involved with the child welfare system they were not recognized at all by the State. In the 2005 a Detroit Senator introduce a bill designed to support Kinship families which passed in the Michigan Senate, but it had the misfortune of reaching the House at the same time that Michigan  DHS lost a lawsuit over children in care.  The Federal Government stepped in and offered matching funding if the bill was changed so that only those children that were already in the foster care system or were removed from their parental home by child welfare and placed  by court order with relatives  who were able to become licensed by the State of Michigan would receive reimbursements and subsidies.  In order for the the relative to be licensed, a case had to be opened and the criteria for placement met.  This eliminated the very families the author of the bill set out to help.  Many relatives "rescued" the children before the inevitable "something" that had to happen before protective services stepped in.  Many other relatives had the children placed in their care by parents before removal took place to avoid child welfare &; prosecution themselves .  And then, there are the relatives who were contacted by the department and were told that if they applied for guardianship on their own the children would not become  "lost" to the system, and the family would not face the possibility of never seeing them again.  Many relatives signed waivers to avoid placing the children in care for just that reason.   I was told they would just contact  Grandsons Mother and tell her to come and get her child.  I  knew she was not ready for that or she would not have left him in the first place.  If a case was never opened against the parents, or it was closed, then the State avoided having  any responsibility to support the child through foster care reimbursement.   The State can still save money and  comply with the mandates  of the law suit.  Michigan does not participate in subsidized guardianship.  To be clear, there is formal and informal kinship.  Formal has  child welfare and court involvement, has the option to Foster, and receive support.  Informal, what I had, is without the States' involvement and without support.

 I became an advocate because I had asked questions in the beginning, but I was not given any of this information , which  seems to be true for most relative caregivers. . Unfortunately, once guardianship is in place, it is too late to explore your options and have a chance to do things differently.  You cannot surrender your guardianship once it is in place without the risk of being charged with neglect/abuse yourself for abandoning your parental obligation. Families should be given all their options in order to make an informed decision based on the needs of the child and their family.

The first thing I did was join a support group, which I recommend, and learned my situation was not unique in that most of the other relative caregivers (in this case Grandparents), were not receiving any assistance from the State either.  I started speaking to candidates who were running in the next  election and put together a forum of other kinship support group members, the Probate Judge, Michigan State University Kinship Resource  and two representatives. The only one who did not bother to attend was my local Department of Human Services. I wrote letters and made phone calls  asking for help in finding solutions to the complex problems  Kinship families face.   I went to Michigan Association of Foster Adoptive and Kinship Parents annual conference because they had Kinship in their name, the only one I could find in Michigan. They did not have anyone representing Kinship, so I became the Kinship Chair.  I am now the coordinator of the support group I first attended and have helped other areas start groups.  I attend functions at other Kinship groups in Michigan and we share information.  I am online, a lot, with other kinship caregivers.  I speak to any group that will listen and present workshops and trainings to help bring awareness to professionals and people who come in contact with this under served yet rapidly increasing population.  In March, I and another trainer from MSU will be doing a presentation to the Foster Navigators because of the increasing numbers of calls from relative families asking how they can find assistance and they dont have the information.  There is a Kinship Navigator program available from the Federal Government, but it is up to the individual State to apply for it.  Michigan has not.  I also sit on a panel for the Child Welfare Training Institute for new child welfare workers and give them an overview of Kinship.

Michigan is not the only State that fails to provide support and services for Kinship families . It is a problem in the majority of States in the Country.  To give credit, there are a few who recognize the importance of helping relative families, and these are the States we need to learn from as to how they are accomplishing it.  One thing most of them have in common is a solid Navigator program, staffed with those who have a strong passion for Kinship.

This is the time of year when conferences and events are being announced.  For me its like getting a Christmas catalog in the mail.  I want, I want, I want.  There are 3National Conferences this year that are very important, each for a different reason but with strong kinship interest.  I will put them on my wish list along with The National Committee of Grandparents for Children's rights and Generations United both in Washington DC.
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 The first of my list is the Child Welfare League of America.  Its in Washington DC in April.  They have three Kinship specific workshops I need to attend about how other States are working with Kinship families, and the results of a Kinship Summit in 2011.  There are two women who have worked on a new manual for the CWLA for working with Kinship Families that I have e-mailed with, but not met. Very important information to present to the State of Michigan.

The second one is the National Foster Parent Association Conference in Long Beach California in June.  Late last summer the NFPA posted a request for someone to chair a sub-committee on Kinship under Diversity.  They were looking into ways their organization might be able to support Kinship Families, whether to make a position statement, and possibly a full committee.  I jumped at the chance.  At their mid-year meeting in September, they were not leaning toward making a statement for kinship.  I want to be there, armed with my reports, and try to convince them how important a  kinship  statement from them would be.  It would be like an endorsement.  But I need more networking, more data, more connections.  More families willing to come forward.

The third one is North American Council on Adoptive Children held this year in Toronto.  I applied to do a workshop for that one on family relationships in relative adoptions.  Although not a professional, and having a difficult time coming up with documentation (because there isnt any), I can certainly speak with experience from my heart and maybe help someone else that is struggling.  . I have made friends at NACAC and they always have an excellent agenda for trainings.

I will be able to attend MAFAK's Conference in Lansing because I am a member of the board and I am a presenter again this year.  Unfortunately, all but my stipend for my support group are volunteer positions.   Travel, lodging and registration fees are expensive on a fixed income.  My time, my gas, my credit card. I need to find sponsorship that will help me get to these conferences and events.  Someone that believes in the importance of relatives raising relative children. There are many grassroots movements working for kinship but very little funding is available. There are many more associations, collaborations and organizations that support Foster care and Kinship care should be a part that.  If anyone has the opportunity to attend a State Training Conference, I encourage you to go.

Advocating also means being there for families who need information and support for themselves. Most have never been involved with the courts or DHS,  protective services, mental health or the school systems.  I never had, but I have now and I am willing to share my experiences with them.  They need to know the steps to take for these children because by the time they come into care, they have most likely suffered trauma/attachment issues from neglect and/or abuse.  They come into the home with behavioral problems, spectrum disorders, learning disabilities and physical handicaps.  Relative families need the same training, support and education that Foster parents need to help them heal.

At a recruitment and retention of foster families meeting with  DHS I ask about  informal kinship families and  what is being done to support them.  I was told that the Departments concern was with licensed kinship families only as they were considered foster families.   Go back and get our foster license.  I explained that the majority of kinship families have not been able to do that.
the answer was that DHS was not obligated nor legally mandated to work with or support unlicensed or informal kinship.The law would have to be changed first.  My question is-----what about a moral obligation-------to keep children with family by supporting them in any way they can.

The goal in all of this work is for all families who care for a child they did not give birth to be of equal standing in order to be successful.  No separations between foster adoptive and kinship families. Every family should receive the same reimbursement, have the same access to trainings, have the benefit of a case manager, be able to qualify for assistance if needed, be able to obtain medical coverage.  Especially medical care.  Many caregiver parents fear  they will get sick and without health care,  not be able to care for the children.  Its a reasonable fear especially for Grandparents.

All kinship families need to bond together if change is to happen. It is difficult  to count how many kinship caregivers there are because they are not a part of any system. Most of our legislators are unaware, or uneducated in matters of kinship.  The general public thinks that we are supported the same as foster care .  Many caregivers are reluctant to speak about their private family situations.  There is  fear of the children being removed from their care.  But until more people become involved and work to bring awareness to our law makers, nothing will change.  After being with us for over 4 years, our adoption was finalized on September 27, 2012, after exhausting every avenue I could try to at least qualify him for a medical subsidy.  Maybe the next Grandparent to adopt a grandchild will be able to receive  adoption assistance, an adoption subsidy for the child with special needs, the assurance that child will have medical coverage , be able to receive post adoption services, and qualify for the Federal adoption tax refund.  That would be nice.

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY

We were going to the Lake today to deliver a dehumidifier and Holden brought his bug net to catch minnows. It started to rain. GRANDMA, GRANDMA, BUT I WANTED TO CATCH FISH. CAN I STILL CATCH FISH IN THE RAIN? WHERE DO FISH GO WHEN IT RAINS? Maybe they go under the dock so they dont get rained on. OH MY GOSH. DO YOU MEAN WET FISH CAN'T SWIM?

PAPA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? to get the umbrella. When the dog gets here it's going to have to pee. YOU MEAN A DOG CAN HOLD AN UMBRELLA? HOW DO THEY DO THAT PAPA? Well, you put it between their two front paws...............

GRANDMA,GRANDMA. WHY CAN'T I GO IN THE POOL? Because it's a really heavy rain out. NO IT'S NOT (as he runs outside). LOOK, I CAN HOLD IT UP WITH MY MUSCLES.(as he stands outside with his arms up.

Holden, will you please just chill out for a few minutes while I'm on the computer. I CAN'T. IT'S TOO HOT OUT.

We found a dead bird in the yard. HOLY CRAP. I DID NOT KNOW WE EVEN HAD DEAD BIRDS AROUND HERE. WHAT COLOR DO YOU THINK HE WAS WHEN HE WAS ALIVE? I WILL MISS HIM YOU KNOW.
Holden age 4


 THIS MUCH HOLDEN HAS LEARNED
Because of his asthma, I had to find new homes for my three cats when Holden came to live here permanently. We now have goldfish and a Beta named Dorrie. He chose to play with Dorrie one day. He not only smelled like the bottom of a fish bowl he learned that fish do not do well after you pet them.
Holden:  age 3

TOUGHEN UP

Have you ever seen the commercial on television where the little kid plays catch by himself? Last week at one of my other Grandson's ballgame, the kids were all playing catch or hitting balls around. Another Grandson and  his Dad, my son, were throwing a ball back and forth and asked Holden to play too. He didnt want to.  Instead,  he was throwing the ball, and then chasing it, then throwing it and then chasing it. I began to think about things. When we were at another 5 yr. old's birthday party, the boys were riding through the field and on the dirt driveway on nubby tired bikes with only 2 wheels. Holden doesnt even ride his mini Sponge Bob with the trainers on the concrete. The cousins were out in the waves at the beach the other night, letting their Dad throw them off the sandbar. Holden was content to jump the waves as they came in to shore. Today he found an old cell phone and pretended to download games and play them on it. The battery was dead. It was a blank screen. He likes "privacy" time, alone time. ..He likes his shoes on the wrong feet. And he hates pants with zippers and snaps. He is still sleeping in our room.  I know he is smart. I know he can reason and analyze and tell wonderful, intricate stories. He can be friendly and can go to day care, and play groups without me. Yet I worry that we are not giving him the things he needs to be a boy.  He is not rough and tumble, snakes and snails.   he not only needs a ball glove, a football, and a hockey stick. A basket ball & hoop mounted on the garage.  He needs someone to play them with him.  We do our best.  I  just always wonder if its enough. My son was all about rough and tumble. He was tough. He grew up next door to his uncles for his first 7 years. He had a sister who tortured him (literally, of course).  He knew if he hurt himself doing something he was told not to do, he had better pick himself up.

 And yet, in spite of my doubts, Holden is happy.  He is close to us and he trusts us. So maybe the homemade ice cream he and Papa made, or the time in the little pool together, or the game of trouble we all just played is enough.  We work hard  to see that he has time with his cousins, sister and Aunts and Uncles who can "play".   Maybe that extra snuggle and closeness he has at bed time is what he needs to feel secure. to feel loved. to feel part of a two parented family. Just maybe, he knows "what" it means to be Mom, or Dad. It's something we have given to him that no one else has. It's not just something you call someone.......it is that someone. He has that.  And he has a part of the chaotic activity from the rest of the family.  So, maybe we are doing enough after all.   Does anyone really feel like they have done absolutely everything they can?

WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Something you wouldn't realize about a small child being raised by "more mature" parents is that they will pick up things that we don't realize we are doing. For instance, at two, Holden was groaning when he got up off the couch. Because Ed and I are both hearing "impaired?", things are always repeated at least twice, and loudly. Thus the GRANDMA, GRANDMA that precedes a comment. I wonder if he likes to hold my hand when we are walking more to keep me up to speed rather than for companionship. To copy a phrase used by my daughter's father in law, "no I dont want to play with you kids, I'm too fat, too tired, and too old." Now, if you are ever looking for a compliment from your grand kids, don't try that one. I guarantee, they will never give you a disclaimer on all three. His uh huh's and nuh uh's sounded so much alike to us that we worked diligently on "yes" or "no". That also can backfire as he expects you to answer in kind. I remember him asking a friends Dad, CAN I GO DOWN TO THE PLAYROOM? Uh huh. CAN I GO DOWN TO THE PLAYROOM? Uh huh.,,,over and over until he asked what do you want? I said yes, you can go to the playroom. SEE, he told our friend, YOUR SUPPOSED TO SAY YES OR NO!


Holden, please use your inside voice. THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE!