Saturday, December 21, 2013

THAT'S LIFE



 I was ask to write an article for the local newspaper for the Great Start column about Raising a Grandchild.  I got a little carried away on  length, but it was published in today's paper in it's entirety.


A typical day in our house starts before the “sun” is up, even before the time change, because the “son” is up.  He is not now, nor has he ever been a child who sleeps.  At times those pre-dawn hours consist of quiet time cuddled between his Dad and I or wrapped in a blanket on the couch quietly watching a cartoon.  Most often, our darkness blatantly becomes light when he flips a switch and begins demanding we get up-now.  He is hungry, he cant find the remote, he wants someone with him, where’s the kindle,  he’s thirsty and any other number of reasons why we do not get our beauty sleep.   The evenings consist of playtime, homework, dinner, bath, story and the God Bless Yous. This happens in households with young children every day. Nothing unique about it.  It is part of being a parent, and you realize that someday, “this too shall pass”.   But, we have already been there and done that over three decades ago and are now on our second time around.  The “son” is our adopted grandson.  He is 7.  We are past 60.
When Lexi ask me to write an article of what it was like to be an adoptive grandparent, none of us realized it would follow the beautifully written, heartfelt story of my daughter Stephanie”s journey into the adoption of her first child.  Mine is the story of a different journey into adoption.  A journey that took  nearly 5 years to complete  and one we never intended to make.  But we would never have it any other way.
We do not feel that we are any different than any other family with a young child.  I was even present at his birth. We started with diapers, bottles and cribs, and moved on to potty training, solid food and a toddler bed. There was a time where I wondered if the three of us would be in diapers at the same time.  We walked the floor when he was sick, took him for well check ups and squeezed his hand during his imuniaztions. We were still working so we had to deal with day care. I attended Great Start play groups, joined the parent coalition and took him to Great Start Readiness pre school for 2 years.  We sat in tiny little chairs at Kindergarten round-up.  We go door to door trick or treating , visit with Santa and leave cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, as well as hide eggs and fill a basket at Easter.  It seems as though we eat our way through his Holidays because we don’t want him to get the “sugar buzz”.   It cracks me up when someone will say “Arent Grandchildren just the best.  You get to sugar them all up and send them home to their parents.”   I just smile and say” yes, that would be nice wouldn’t it.”We are providing the full experience, from his Birthday parties to summer activities, not just contributing a portion. But we have to admit, we are physically exhausted each and every day, and most mornings since he doesn’t sleep.  This is not a life for the weak. 
Holden was 18 months old when he and his Mom moved in with us and we became his full time caregiver and  guardian when he was 2.  We celebrated his adoption on September 27, 2012 when he was 6. He had some slight developmental delays at first and we had him evaluated by the Early On program through the local ESD.  His team worked with me over that first summer and he quickly caught up.  I wasn’t until he started kindergarten that the full effects of his early childhood experiences began to seriously affect his behavior and his ability to learn in spite of the fact that he is exceptionally bright and intelligent.  He began seeing a therapist and we developed an IEP plan to support him while he was at school.  I cannot say enough about the group of professionals who are working to make sure Holden is secure and to help him succeed at MCC. In fact, I started my morning today with our monthly 7:45 am meeting to discuss his progress and any changes that may be necessary to his plan.  I am so proud and grateful of the growth he is showing.
I am a very familiar person at the school.  Many of the kids think that I am an aid, stopping for me to tie a shoe or button a coat.  They are never quite sure what to call me.  “Hi, ummm, Holden’s Grandma?  Ummm, Mom? Umm whoever you are, just Hi.”   Or the one sweetheart that said “hey, you look too old to be his Mom.  You look more like his Grandma!”  Holden tells them that’s because I used to be his Grandma, but now Im just his Mom.  He told me someone was really pretty.  Then he said “well, you’re pretty too, but you’re old.”  Ed told him it was OK, “ I was really pretty old.”
 Instead of  leisure and enrichment classes, I have been taking trainings and workshops on the effect  early childhood trauma has on the developing brain, attachment disorders, separation anxiety, and sensory integration disorder.   Slowly I am beginning to follow the language of acronyms such as FAS, AS, SID . Things are measured on a spectrum instead of a straight line diagnosis.   Holden has migraines which prompted a recent visit to a UofM neurologist and a medication he cannot tolerate.  This week we have an appointment with a sleep disorder clinic and we are investigating medication for Attention Deficit  Disorder (ADD), but are trying “the diet” first.
All of this makes him sound like a real mess of a kid.  But he isn’t.  He is a terrific kid, behaving like most 7 year olds with a few glitches here and there. He makes us laugh, he frustrates us to no end and stands at the edge our limits.  Because we have raised three  before him  we have the confidence to address his needs, and if we don’t have the answer, we are humble enough to ask for help.  We totally pick our battles around here.  We do not waste our energy on frivolous arguments.   The problem is that because he is so bright, he can read us very quickly and accurately.  We have to remember to keep our buttons covered because if we don’t, he is morally bound by the 7 yr. old’s code of ethics to push them.
 Our lives are centered around what he wants and needs to succeed. We really don’t have a social life with friends our age.  We don’t quite fit and child care costs are prohibitive.   Raising a child on Social Security is not an easy task. I attend my Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Support Group and Ed has different meetings, but most of our time is spent with family.   I get my much needed Grandma time and Holden gets his cousins to play with. If I were to have a regret, it would be the lack of time and energy to spend with the other Grandchildren.  I miss that.  I long to be Cookie Grandma instead of Crabby Grandma, but it’s really hard when you are raising the youngest of the six.
 I would not be honest if I didn’t say that I would like to spend a month in Florida this winter with my sister in law, or go someplace exotic with my husband.  Like out to dinner and a movie.  I don’t have a bucket list.  I don’t have time to make one, let alone execute one.  But, it is what it is.  I have often said that in order to enjoy the life you have, you have to let go of the life you planned.  I like us.  Ed is a wonderful Dad.  He has the time and the patience now that he didn’t have 30 years ago.  We have something to focus on and work for together every single day.  Making sure that our new son feels safe, has a chance at childhood,  because that is what every child deserves.  And how often do you get that chance at our age to make that kind of a difference in another’s life.
Why would we take this on at a time in our lives when we were supposed to be enjoying ourselves and pursuing activities and plans we had put on hold for forty years?  Because we couldn’t have lived with the alternative.  Holden described it perfectly on the day he was adopted.  He wanted to return to school after court, and even though he is very private about his personal business, he announced to his 1st grade class that he had just got adopted.  When he was ask to explain to the class what that meant he said “Well, sometimes, when you’re a little kid, things just don’t start out so good and you have to move.  But when you get adopted it means you don’t ever have to move again.”  Every night when we say the God Bless Yous, he asks for God to bless Holden and Mom and Dad because we are family. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

ALWAYS CHALLENGE AN IRRESISTIBLE URGE

This blog belongs to AARP or Gens. United.  Maybe Society on Aging more than Raising a Grandchild, but since its my blog, I can write what I want.

I woke up to a beautiful layer of fluffy snow on the ground and hanging heavily on the trees.  I had the irresistible urge to dig out my cross country skis and go off through the woods on our property. Before taking full time parenting of Holden I would spend hours making trails and even following to river through the neighboring properties until I reached the City Campground.  Once Holden was here, I didnt have 5 minutes to get my skiis on, let alone and hour to use them.  The same goes for my long solitary walks I used to take.  My weight, my mood and my stamina (not to mention cholesterol)  all reflect this lack of time.  So, I am determined to change-today-all at once.  Holden is in school, and Ed is capable of protecting hearth and home (and answering the phone).

Getting ready was a trip in itself.  I never did own the proper attire to go out in public when I was bundled, but if a backboard and snowmobile were required for rescue I was at least presentable.  The last remaining pair of leggings I owned were in the bottom of the "what if I lose lots of weight and I might want to wear these again" box.  Did you know that the elastic waistbands deteriorate on those things with out the butt expanding as well?  I safety pinned them up, pulled on a pair of sweatpants and wool socks and went off in search of mittens and hat. Donning a red hat, one blue and one red mitten-the blue one worn upside down because they were both right hands, and a brown/black/green "Boarders" parka circa 1990 that one of the kids left around, I began the grunting to tie my boots.  As soon as I got to the door I had to go to the bathroom.

Aaaaannnnddddd Im out the door.  My skis are on.  My poles are wrapped around my wrists.   I learned a lot by the time I left the driveway and reached the woods.  I learned that 24 degrees is really cold.  If you go under those beautiful snow covered limbs, they will inevitably drop their fluff down the back of your neck.  I learned that my 62 yr. old body did not retain the memory of a fluid gliding motion I was hoping to find.  It is not like riding a bike.  It is more like falling off a horse.  And fall I did.  At the point farthest from the house.  And like with a horse, it hurts.  It is not a soft tumble but a stiff flailing that sends shock waves from your knees to your elbows, up your spine and into your neck.  But, not to worry, I had plenty of time to assess my pain because like that gliding motion my body forgot, it also couldnt remember how to get up.    I  finally decided it would be easier to take my ski off and stand.  Did you know that not only do non stick skis get sticky (hence the fall) over the years, sometimes the little button you push to release the ski also sticks.  I really wish I had not double knotted my boot.  I wish my back didnt hurt so I could reach it for both the untying and the retying.  I had to get up.  Even though I now carry a cell phone, I would never call for help. Ed would not stop laughing long enough to come to my rescue Remember the snowmobile and back board?  That means a paramedic has to be driving.  With my strict code of fashion I couldnt possibly let someone see me like that.  And you remember what you were always told about your underwear. Something else I forgot-it is a gradual downhill trip to the River bank, and a mountainous climb uphill to go the 1/2 mile back.

Did I really  only  go a mile?  Surely the curves in the path must add more.  I have a blister, my big toes and little fingers "feel" frostbitten, my nose and cheeks no longer get that hint of pink, but are more of a purple and my range of motion is definitely reduced when trying to keep from landing on my face.  But you know what?  I will do it again tomorrow.  Because thats how habits are made.  Good ones and bad ones.  Repetition.  Doing the same thing over and over until it feels right. And although my body has lost that memory, my mind has not.  I still have those crazy insane dreams of running again, because it felt so good when I reached that "groove".

 Maybe I will get a pair of skis for Holden.  And maybe a pair for Ed.  But next time, I will try to remember to look up and notice the beauty of the woods in winter

A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Each year couples celebrate  the anniversary of their wedding day when they made the commitment to love , cherish, honor and obey till death do us part.  Today, Ed and I celebrate the 1 yer anniversary of another kind of commitment.  The day we promised to love, cherish, and provide all things necessary to ensure a child has the best possible chance for a life from childhood to adulthood.  Oh, and Obey. One year ago today our adoption of Holden became official and his front and center place in our lives permanent. We are not so delusional as to think we will be here to watch him raise his own family, after all we are in our 60's. But what we can do is to leave him with a legacy of first hand knowledge of our many years of life experience. I wish I could say  we we have reached a place where we are done making mistakes, we arent, but I do think we are able to move on from them quicker.  I dont think we have all the answers to raise a child, in fact I think with the challenges Holden has presented, I know less, but I am more willing to ask for help .  We are readily admit we have far less energy, but much more patience-possibly because it takes longer to catch him and by then we have forgotten why we got up anyway.  I think he is growing up with more privilege than my other older three, with less  financial resources.    He has our unlimited time, our undivided attention, an entire house and acreage as his play space.  Our world is his world, and vise versa. He doesnt have to share, a minor glitch in his personality that we probably should work on.   We choose our battles.  There again, the rapidity that we are required to move into action comes into play. If we dont rock his boat, he doesnt rock ours. He is doubly loved.   Very soon I will take refresher courses in Math and Science as I have no idea what he is doing with homework.  I thought there was only one way to count, add, subtract divide, or  multiply, but apparently thats not true.  We were discussing the amount of time I spend in the car again running after him.  The miles are adding up quickly and I can remember a few short years ago I could go days (mostly in the winter) without ever turning the ignition key.

The ways in which our lives have changed since Holden came to live with us permanently when he was 18 months old would fill a book, but the way our lives have changed since the adoption are more subtle, but ever so monumental to us.  The first thing we noticed is that we stopped worrying about him having to leave us.  He had been with us for nearly five years and we couldnt imagine life without him.  We were always Grandma and Papa.  After the adoption, Mom and Dad.  I love when I am in the school and the kids will say Hi Holden's ummmm Grandma?  Mom? Whoever you are? Hi. We became an official family, with a new Birth Certificate to prove it.  We (and I mean all three of us) began to "move on", to begin to heal, to let go of the painful past.

 I have thought a hundred times about writing the story of our journey to adoption in one piece instead of status reports on my facebook that I occasionally compile into a blog. It should be called "The Best Decision is Not Always the Least Painful" or Sometimes Adoption isnt the Happiest Day of Your Life".  Because there was a lot of pain in reaching this decision.  We had to let go of what we thought his life, his Mom's life, and most certainly our life was supposed to be.  "Life happens when you make other plans." But I would not have this any other way. He is our child as much as the three I gave birth to .  And he is my Grandchild as much as the other 5 are.  He is doubly loved.  As I said, he has the best of all worlds.

Holden said it best when he returned to school after we had been to court and he announced to his class that he had just been adopted.  In his words  " SOMETIMES THINGS DONT START OUT SO GOOD FOR KIDS, BUT ADOPTION MEANS YOU NEVER HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN."  Mighty wise for a 6 yr. old.  When we talked to him about celebrating this as a special day, I told him some people call this "Gotcha Day".  He thought that was weird because YOU ALREADY GOT ME BEFORE THEN.   I told him it was the day he became an official Wagner.  WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO IS JUST SKIP THE CELEBRATION AND CUT RIGHT TO THE GIFT.

Happy Wagner Day Holden
Love, Your Mom

Friday, August 30, 2013

GRANDMA GRANDMA, WHY DIDNT GOD MAKE STRAWBERRIES BLUE?

We went to Florida to stay at my brother's house for three weeks in February when Holden was 4. My Mom and her husband had been there since before Christmas and my brother and his wife had to be out of town for a week, so of course we would be happy to come and stay. Mom bought our tickets . Within the first week, Holden had pneumonia, (he's asthmatic) and my Mom's husband, who was in poor health, was scheduled for surgery. Mel did not survive, Holden was like the energizer bunny on speed (albeuterole inhaler 4 X's a day). We did an excellent job of dealing with the death around Holden. In fact, he didn't have a clue. Until 2 months later. . While we were out for a walk he asked when Papa Mel would be home from Florida , and I explained that he wouldn't be because he had died.OH, THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD was his response.

The next day in the car....GRANDMA, GRANDMA, WHY DIDN'T GOD MAKE STRAWBERRIES BLUE? I guess because he already had blueberries. And without missing a beat--WHY DID PAPA MEL GET DEAD? Well, because now he can be with God and he isn't sick anymore and he even has 2 legs again so he can run across Heaven. OH, BUT I CAN'T  FEELD HIM ANYMORE. Yes you can. He is in your heart, put your hand there and you will feel him. I CAN FEELD HIM, BUT HOW DID HE GET THERE? God let him be there. BUT IF GOD CAN DO THAT, WHY CAN'T HE MAKE HIM NOT BE DEAD?......Back seat conversations are not for the weak.

THIS MUCH I KNOW: Everyone mourns in their own way, no one way is right or wrong. But it is impossible to feel sad for very long with a three year old in the house.
My step father was the same age I will be when Holden graduates from high school. I need to take better care of myself so that I do not become prematurely old.

Friday, April 5, 2013

BITS AND PIECES FROM THE NOT TOO DISTANT PAST

GRANDMA, GRANDMA! HURRY . MY BEDROOMS FLOODING. I THOUGHT THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN THE MOVIES, BUT ITS REALLY HAPPENING RIGHT HERE.
 So, I go downstairs and he's right. His bedroom is flooding because the water is running out of the ceiling. I ran upstairs, jiggling toilet handles, shutting of the washer, the dish washer. and then I reach the back vanity area in what used to be the master suit. Water was running over the counter top, saturating the carpet. Hot water. Very soapy water. Oh crap. He told me he was going to wash his cars at least a half an hour ago.
 I GUESS I FORGOT TO TURN THE WATER OFF DIDNT I GRANDMA. GRANDMA? GRANDMA? WHY ARENT YOU ANSWERING ME GRANDMA?


GRANDMA, I HATE THESE SHORTS. THEY HURT ME.
 What ? Come here and let me see. Holden, you dont have any underwear on again
OHHH, IS THAT WHY YOU WEAR UNDERWEAR? 
 Remember the  zipper PJ incident?
 OH, YEAH. I GUESS I SHOULD WEAR UNDERWEAR RIGHT GRANDMA?


Get your hands out of your pants please!
 WELL WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM.?
 Put them in your pockets.
 OH, IS THAT WHAT POCKETS ARE FOR? WAIT A MINUTE, IF THAT WAS WHAT THEY ARE FOR THEY WOULD BE IN THE FRONT!
I'm losing the battle Lord. A little help here.

 I STILL CANT UNDERSTAND HOW GIRLS CAN LAY BOY EGGS.
 Because women dont really lay eggs, they give birth to babies. and sometimes they are boy babies and sometimes they are girl babies.
 OH ALL RIGHT, I KNOW THAT, BUT HOW DO THEY GET THEM OUT? I MEAN DO THEY POP OPEN?
 No Dear, they have a special opening where the baby comes out when its time.
 WELL, WHERE IS THE OPENING? GRANDMA? ANSWER ME GRANDMA? WHERE IS IT. SHOW ME. GRANDMA, IM JUST NOT GOING TO STOP ASKING UNTIL YOU TELL ME.........

As I said, Lord. A little help here


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

THE TWO YOSHIS



My Grandson has a half sister who is 5 years older than he is.  She lives with her Dad and adoptive Mom  and has a good life.  The two of them are very close .Even though they never lived together with their Mother, she did have every other weekend until he was about 18 months old, and somehow he remembers those times.  They still have as much contact as possible despite the fact that her schedule in becoming increasingly busy and she lives an hour away.

Last fall his cousin Bella gave him a pink  stuffed Yoshi from Mario Brothers.  For some reason he became attached to it a carried to everywhere.  Last week, Jonas, Bella's brother gave him the matching blue Yoshi.  When he got home he put them together  like they were hugging.

LOOK, THEY ARE BROTHER AND SISTER, A PINK ONE AND A BLUE ONE.  THEY USED TO BE TOGETHER IN THE SAME HOUSE, BUT THEN THEY GOT SEPARATED WHEN THE PINK ONE GOT GIVEN TO ME..  NOW THE BLUE ONE WAS GIVEN AWAY TO ME TOO AND THEY CAN BE TOGETHER AGAIN.  JUST LIKE SISSY AND ME.  BUT WE WONT EVER LIVE TOGETHER, BUT WE GET TO BE TOGETHER AND SEE EACH OTHER BUT JUST NOT LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER BECAUSE WE HAVE DIFFERENT PARENTS.

I did explain to him that he and Sissy will not be back together in the same house again.  Sometimes it just doesnt work out that way, but that we would always do what ever we can so they could see each other and know each other.  Thats when he said, OH I KNOW THAT MOM, IT'S OK.  JUST SOMETIMES IT MAKES MY THROAT HURT BECAUSE I AM SAD.  BUT IAM HAPPY TOO WHEN I GET TO SEE HER.

It never ceases to amaze me how deeply his thoughts run, and how wise he is for 6 years old.  May he always have this simplistic ability to accept things as they are without being accompanied by the pain that I as his Mom feels.   

Friday, February 1, 2013

EXPERIENCE 1 ENERGY 0

What I have gained in experience, I have lost in energy. No matter how many times I try to tell myself I do not feel any different than I did at 35, my body screams LIAR. The power of a three year old cannot be absorbed through osmosis.

Do not ever underestimate the mind of a three year old when it comes to calculating how to regain the attention he feels he so justly deserves at all times. I can guarantee he will go to extreme measures, my wet socks being a dead give away.

Why is it that I can't get him to brush his teeth, but ...let him find an old toothbrush on the deck that I use to clean the vacuum cleaner filter? How much panic is acceptable when you can't find the toilet brush, but you can find the plunger...in the living room? Why is it that he is so close to the toilet bowl, he can't seem to hit it?

Daylight savings time is seriously over rated. I can't seem to convince him that it's OK to go to sleep while it's still light out but not OK to get up when it isn't.

Everything in my house is either sticky, gooey or gritty. Sugar smacks stick to the bottom of your socks better than any other cereal on the market. I am convinced that Holden's body is composed of double faced tape and magnets, so that when he is in his playroom all he has to do is spread his arms wide and collect as much stuff as his little body can hold and deposit them in the rest of the house. I still have not figured out why this process does not work in reverse unless his room is harboring a recharger. I understand obstacle courses enhance balance and agility, but does that mean we should increase our insurance premiums also?

Holden got a Woopie cushion from his Auntie.I have easily reached the conclusion there is nothing more fascinating to a little boy than a rubber balloon that sounds like farts... He tucks it under his shirt and asks for a HUGGIE. We woke up to the sweet sound first thing this morning.  It will break his little heart not to be allowed to bring it to "show and tell.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM

GRANDMA? SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM . This popped out casually while he was playing on his DS.
 Well, sometimes I miss her too.
 DO YOU REALLY? AWE THATS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
 Do you feel bad when you miss her?
 NO, THATS WHY I HAVE YOU. SO I DONT HAVE TO FEEL BAD. I JUST MISS HER, THATS ALL.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

DID I SAY TOO MUCH?

I think I might have said too much in my blog this week.  Im not retracting what I said because it was based on facts and experience of myself and of  many other Grandparents that I have come in contact with.  I believe my error in judgement may have been in speaking out about the State of Michigan and its Department of Human Services.  I said nothing that I havent repeated more than once directly to DHS department directors and supervisors in Lansing.  It is not something that has not been said to legislators But they have done nothing to change the situation.  In fact, I and other Board members had said we would not be quiet about the way Kinship caregivers are left unsupported in this State.   Publicly blogging it and tweeting it and having it reposted must be different, because I have found myself unable to post or message on an association's page that supports and lobbies for Kinship issues.  Im not quite sure I understand that.  But the uneasy feeling in myself that I somehow stepped out of line will keep me awake tonight..I am  sure I am not the first to have done this, and obviously I am not the only one who wants to quit because in all these years there has not been any improvement  for Kinship Caregivers or their families.  It is common knowledge to anyone who is a relative caregiver or who works with relative caregivers that the families need support and services and that even their most basic needs are not being met.  What distresses me is that why isnt the reasons for this not being talked about.  Why are relative caregivers-and Grandparent families not getting the necessary help?  How do you fix it without addressing the root of the problem? 

As I said in my previous blog:  I am out of my comfort zone.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I AM AN ADVOCATE AND I AM WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE

Papa and I began "Raising H.", our Grandson, when he was 2 years old. It became painfully obvious right from the beginning that Relative/Kinship and Grandparent Families were not given the same consideration as other Resource Families.  In fact, if they were not involved with the child welfare system they were not recognized at all by the State. In the 2005 a Detroit Senator introduce a bill designed to support Kinship families which passed in the Michigan Senate, but it had the misfortune of reaching the House at the same time that Michigan  DHS lost a lawsuit over children in care.  The Federal Government stepped in and offered matching funding if the bill was changed so that only those children that were already in the foster care system or were removed from their parental home by child welfare and placed  by court order with relatives  who were able to become licensed by the State of Michigan would receive reimbursements and subsidies.  In order for the the relative to be licensed, a case had to be opened and the criteria for placement met.  This eliminated the very families the author of the bill set out to help.  Many relatives "rescued" the children before the inevitable "something" that had to happen before protective services stepped in.  Many other relatives had the children placed in their care by parents before removal took place to avoid child welfare &; prosecution themselves .  And then, there are the relatives who were contacted by the department and were told that if they applied for guardianship on their own the children would not become  "lost" to the system, and the family would not face the possibility of never seeing them again.  Many relatives signed waivers to avoid placing the children in care for just that reason.   I was told they would just contact  Grandsons Mother and tell her to come and get her child.  I  knew she was not ready for that or she would not have left him in the first place.  If a case was never opened against the parents, or it was closed, then the State avoided having  any responsibility to support the child through foster care reimbursement.   The State can still save money and  comply with the mandates  of the law suit.  Michigan does not participate in subsidized guardianship.  To be clear, there is formal and informal kinship.  Formal has  child welfare and court involvement, has the option to Foster, and receive support.  Informal, what I had, is without the States' involvement and without support.

 I became an advocate because I had asked questions in the beginning, but I was not given any of this information , which  seems to be true for most relative caregivers. . Unfortunately, once guardianship is in place, it is too late to explore your options and have a chance to do things differently.  You cannot surrender your guardianship once it is in place without the risk of being charged with neglect/abuse yourself for abandoning your parental obligation. Families should be given all their options in order to make an informed decision based on the needs of the child and their family.

The first thing I did was join a support group, which I recommend, and learned my situation was not unique in that most of the other relative caregivers (in this case Grandparents), were not receiving any assistance from the State either.  I started speaking to candidates who were running in the next  election and put together a forum of other kinship support group members, the Probate Judge, Michigan State University Kinship Resource  and two representatives. The only one who did not bother to attend was my local Department of Human Services. I wrote letters and made phone calls  asking for help in finding solutions to the complex problems  Kinship families face.   I went to Michigan Association of Foster Adoptive and Kinship Parents annual conference because they had Kinship in their name, the only one I could find in Michigan. They did not have anyone representing Kinship, so I became the Kinship Chair.  I am now the coordinator of the support group I first attended and have helped other areas start groups.  I attend functions at other Kinship groups in Michigan and we share information.  I am online, a lot, with other kinship caregivers.  I speak to any group that will listen and present workshops and trainings to help bring awareness to professionals and people who come in contact with this under served yet rapidly increasing population.  In March, I and another trainer from MSU will be doing a presentation to the Foster Navigators because of the increasing numbers of calls from relative families asking how they can find assistance and they dont have the information.  There is a Kinship Navigator program available from the Federal Government, but it is up to the individual State to apply for it.  Michigan has not.  I also sit on a panel for the Child Welfare Training Institute for new child welfare workers and give them an overview of Kinship.

Michigan is not the only State that fails to provide support and services for Kinship families . It is a problem in the majority of States in the Country.  To give credit, there are a few who recognize the importance of helping relative families, and these are the States we need to learn from as to how they are accomplishing it.  One thing most of them have in common is a solid Navigator program, staffed with those who have a strong passion for Kinship.

This is the time of year when conferences and events are being announced.  For me its like getting a Christmas catalog in the mail.  I want, I want, I want.  There are 3National Conferences this year that are very important, each for a different reason but with strong kinship interest.  I will put them on my wish list along with The National Committee of Grandparents for Children's rights and Generations United both in Washington DC.
.
 The first of my list is the Child Welfare League of America.  Its in Washington DC in April.  They have three Kinship specific workshops I need to attend about how other States are working with Kinship families, and the results of a Kinship Summit in 2011.  There are two women who have worked on a new manual for the CWLA for working with Kinship Families that I have e-mailed with, but not met. Very important information to present to the State of Michigan.

The second one is the National Foster Parent Association Conference in Long Beach California in June.  Late last summer the NFPA posted a request for someone to chair a sub-committee on Kinship under Diversity.  They were looking into ways their organization might be able to support Kinship Families, whether to make a position statement, and possibly a full committee.  I jumped at the chance.  At their mid-year meeting in September, they were not leaning toward making a statement for kinship.  I want to be there, armed with my reports, and try to convince them how important a  kinship  statement from them would be.  It would be like an endorsement.  But I need more networking, more data, more connections.  More families willing to come forward.

The third one is North American Council on Adoptive Children held this year in Toronto.  I applied to do a workshop for that one on family relationships in relative adoptions.  Although not a professional, and having a difficult time coming up with documentation (because there isnt any), I can certainly speak with experience from my heart and maybe help someone else that is struggling.  . I have made friends at NACAC and they always have an excellent agenda for trainings.

I will be able to attend MAFAK's Conference in Lansing because I am a member of the board and I am a presenter again this year.  Unfortunately, all but my stipend for my support group are volunteer positions.   Travel, lodging and registration fees are expensive on a fixed income.  My time, my gas, my credit card. I need to find sponsorship that will help me get to these conferences and events.  Someone that believes in the importance of relatives raising relative children. There are many grassroots movements working for kinship but very little funding is available. There are many more associations, collaborations and organizations that support Foster care and Kinship care should be a part that.  If anyone has the opportunity to attend a State Training Conference, I encourage you to go.

Advocating also means being there for families who need information and support for themselves. Most have never been involved with the courts or DHS,  protective services, mental health or the school systems.  I never had, but I have now and I am willing to share my experiences with them.  They need to know the steps to take for these children because by the time they come into care, they have most likely suffered trauma/attachment issues from neglect and/or abuse.  They come into the home with behavioral problems, spectrum disorders, learning disabilities and physical handicaps.  Relative families need the same training, support and education that Foster parents need to help them heal.

At a recruitment and retention of foster families meeting with  DHS I ask about  informal kinship families and  what is being done to support them.  I was told that the Departments concern was with licensed kinship families only as they were considered foster families.   Go back and get our foster license.  I explained that the majority of kinship families have not been able to do that.
the answer was that DHS was not obligated nor legally mandated to work with or support unlicensed or informal kinship.The law would have to be changed first.  My question is-----what about a moral obligation-------to keep children with family by supporting them in any way they can.

The goal in all of this work is for all families who care for a child they did not give birth to be of equal standing in order to be successful.  No separations between foster adoptive and kinship families. Every family should receive the same reimbursement, have the same access to trainings, have the benefit of a case manager, be able to qualify for assistance if needed, be able to obtain medical coverage.  Especially medical care.  Many caregiver parents fear  they will get sick and without health care,  not be able to care for the children.  Its a reasonable fear especially for Grandparents.

All kinship families need to bond together if change is to happen. It is difficult  to count how many kinship caregivers there are because they are not a part of any system. Most of our legislators are unaware, or uneducated in matters of kinship.  The general public thinks that we are supported the same as foster care .  Many caregivers are reluctant to speak about their private family situations.  There is  fear of the children being removed from their care.  But until more people become involved and work to bring awareness to our law makers, nothing will change.  After being with us for over 4 years, our adoption was finalized on September 27, 2012, after exhausting every avenue I could try to at least qualify him for a medical subsidy.  Maybe the next Grandparent to adopt a grandchild will be able to receive  adoption assistance, an adoption subsidy for the child with special needs, the assurance that child will have medical coverage , be able to receive post adoption services, and qualify for the Federal adoption tax refund.  That would be nice.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY

We were going to the Lake today to deliver a dehumidifier and Holden brought his bug net to catch minnows. It started to rain. GRANDMA, GRANDMA, BUT I WANTED TO CATCH FISH. CAN I STILL CATCH FISH IN THE RAIN? WHERE DO FISH GO WHEN IT RAINS? Maybe they go under the dock so they dont get rained on. OH MY GOSH. DO YOU MEAN WET FISH CAN'T SWIM?

PAPA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? to get the umbrella. When the dog gets here it's going to have to pee. YOU MEAN A DOG CAN HOLD AN UMBRELLA? HOW DO THEY DO THAT PAPA? Well, you put it between their two front paws...............

GRANDMA,GRANDMA. WHY CAN'T I GO IN THE POOL? Because it's a really heavy rain out. NO IT'S NOT (as he runs outside). LOOK, I CAN HOLD IT UP WITH MY MUSCLES.(as he stands outside with his arms up.

Holden, will you please just chill out for a few minutes while I'm on the computer. I CAN'T. IT'S TOO HOT OUT.

We found a dead bird in the yard. HOLY CRAP. I DID NOT KNOW WE EVEN HAD DEAD BIRDS AROUND HERE. WHAT COLOR DO YOU THINK HE WAS WHEN HE WAS ALIVE? I WILL MISS HIM YOU KNOW.
Holden age 4


 THIS MUCH HOLDEN HAS LEARNED
Because of his asthma, I had to find new homes for my three cats when Holden came to live here permanently. We now have goldfish and a Beta named Dorrie. He chose to play with Dorrie one day. He not only smelled like the bottom of a fish bowl he learned that fish do not do well after you pet them.
Holden:  age 3

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

TOUGHEN UP

Have you ever seen the commercial on television where the little kid plays catch by himself? Last week at one of my other Grandson's ballgame, the kids were all playing catch or hitting balls around. Another Grandson and  his Dad, my son, were throwing a ball back and forth and asked Holden to play too. He didnt want to.  Instead,  he was throwing the ball, and then chasing it, then throwing it and then chasing it. I began to think about things. When we were at another 5 yr. old's birthday party, the boys were riding through the field and on the dirt driveway on nubby tired bikes with only 2 wheels. Holden doesnt even ride his mini Sponge Bob with the trainers on the concrete. The cousins were out in the waves at the beach the other night, letting their Dad throw them off the sandbar. Holden was content to jump the waves as they came in to shore. Today he found an old cell phone and pretended to download games and play them on it. The battery was dead. It was a blank screen. He likes "privacy" time, alone time. ..He likes his shoes on the wrong feet. And he hates pants with zippers and snaps. He is still sleeping in our room.  I know he is smart. I know he can reason and analyze and tell wonderful, intricate stories. He can be friendly and can go to day care, and play groups without me. Yet I worry that we are not giving him the things he needs to be a boy.  He is not rough and tumble, snakes and snails.   he not only needs a ball glove, a football, and a hockey stick. A basket ball & hoop mounted on the garage.  He needs someone to play them with him.  We do our best.  I  just always wonder if its enough. My son was all about rough and tumble. He was tough. He grew up next door to his uncles for his first 7 years. He had a sister who tortured him (literally, of course).  He knew if he hurt himself doing something he was told not to do, he had better pick himself up.

 And yet, in spite of my doubts, Holden is happy.  He is close to us and he trusts us. So maybe the homemade ice cream he and Papa made, or the time in the little pool together, or the game of trouble we all just played is enough.  We work hard  to see that he has time with his cousins, sister and Aunts and Uncles who can "play".   Maybe that extra snuggle and closeness he has at bed time is what he needs to feel secure. to feel loved. to feel part of a two parented family. Just maybe, he knows "what" it means to be Mom, or Dad. It's something we have given to him that no one else has. It's not just something you call someone.......it is that someone. He has that.  And he has a part of the chaotic activity from the rest of the family.  So, maybe we are doing enough after all.   Does anyone really feel like they have done absolutely everything they can?

Thursday, January 3, 2013

WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Something you wouldn't realize about a small child being raised by "more mature" parents is that they will pick up things that we don't realize we are doing. For instance, at two, Holden was groaning when he got up off the couch. Because Ed and I are both hearing "impaired?", things are always repeated at least twice, and loudly. Thus the GRANDMA, GRANDMA that precedes a comment. I wonder if he likes to hold my hand when we are walking more to keep me up to speed rather than for companionship. To copy a phrase used by my daughter's father in law, "no I dont want to play with you kids, I'm too fat, too tired, and too old." Now, if you are ever looking for a compliment from your grand kids, don't try that one. I guarantee, they will never give you a disclaimer on all three. His uh huh's and nuh uh's sounded so much alike to us that we worked diligently on "yes" or "no". That also can backfire as he expects you to answer in kind. I remember him asking a friends Dad, CAN I GO DOWN TO THE PLAYROOM? Uh huh. CAN I GO DOWN TO THE PLAYROOM? Uh huh.,,,over and over until he asked what do you want? I said yes, you can go to the playroom. SEE, he told our friend, YOUR SUPPOSED TO SAY YES OR NO!


Holden, please use your inside voice. THIS IS MY INSIDE VOICE!