A BIT OF CHRISTMAS ADVICE

 Based on this year's Christmas just past, I can think of a few bits and pieces of advice I need to follow for next year.

First-dont ever have surgery the week before Christmas if you can help it.  It will give you the worst case of the bahumbugs you can imagine.  You cant enjoy all the food, you dont feel like partying, and all you want to go back to bed.  The only pair of pants that fit are sweats.

If you extend an olive branch to the biological parent, be  prepared for them to take it up.  My Grandsons Mother has been calling frequently. He's fine with it.  Im struggling.

Not only can family gatherings be  difficult with everyone in the same same room, problems can start weeks in advance now that they are all connected on facebook.

If you make  cookies too far in advance (1 or 2 weeks), either freeze them or hide them really really well, because otherwise they will be gone.  And if you get your gifts ahead of time, dont hide them really really well, or you will have to do last minute shopping anyway.

Dont put the kid to bed early on Christmas Eve because Santa is coming and its going to be a big day tomorrow.  He will be up at 5:00 am, fully rested, while you, who stayed up searching for hidden presents that need to be wrapped are not bright eyed and bushy tailed.

When the neon remote control shark scares the cat-dont let the kid and Papa continue to chase him with it.  The cat will only retaliate by chewing on the cords of every electronic device in the house including the new Wii Skylanders portal, the computer, and the tree lights.

And dont forget, all those decorations you put up before Christmas, before you were on 6 weeks of restrictions,  still have to be taken down and put away somehow.

But what did happen that made this Christmas Great?  My adult children stepped up and made it happen anyway.  And  I owe Papa big time for taking over the rest of the days.  This much I know---------I am truly blessed. 

AND SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS

Written last year in 2011 right after Christmas.


7:00 am. CAN I GO UPSTAIRS NOW? Thats the same thing he asks every morning, and believe it or not, he forgot what this morning was. Briefly. Only until he hit the top step. Every package he opened he would say OH I HOPE THIS IS AN I-PAD. That is all he ask for. No way could we afford one, but my Mom gave us the money for a Kindle Nook. He only wanted it for the Angry Birds anyway. When the ripping and thank you's were over, Papa and I sat down and realized, without this little boy, what would we do on an early Christmas morning? Sleep in?   Get together with the other kids  and  have breakfast after they had their family time?  With Holden, our Christmas is still special and magical here at home for a few more years. And who we are because of this is special. Because we are different than other couples our age. We do not have the luxury of "our" time. But there is not a place for selfishness either. We give our all for Holden. We hold nothing back. Did I get a gift this year from Papa? Do I really care? No, and neither does Papa, because there was so much joy in watching that little boy open his gifts from Santa. And we know we did good, because he did not ask where his Mommy was. He had everything he wanted right here with us. And that means "Life is Good."

GRANDMA, I WISH EVERYDAY WAS CHRISTMAS. DONT YOU? Ummmm, let me think about that a moment.

SOMETIMES I TRY TO REMEMBER

WRITTEN JUNE 3, 2010

Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to sleep until I woke up on my own, when I poured a cup of coffee in the morning and sat out on the back deck watching the deer. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like to get in the car and just go, without packing snacks, water, change of clothes,books, and switching car seats. How long has it been since we picnicked at the river with friends without worrying how deep the water is or how close we are sitting to the bank. Have I slept a full night since my first baby was born? What did it feel like to be totally alone in a clean house, or alone with my husband? I remember conversations about when we retire these are the things we want to do. When I couldnt wait to  be Grandparents, spoiling a brood of children, having special days and sleepovers.
Someone told me last weekend that she thought it was a healthier sign that I do question how am I ever going to do this for the next 15 years.

But then I look down at this little man curled up beside me in my bed, Wonder Pets on TV, and I know this much is real. I watched my friends this weekend, taking their time, sleeping late, sitting out by the campfire after dark, and for a moment I was envious. Until I realized,how many times did someone curl up with them today, put their arms around them, and simply say, I LOVE YOU, over and over, all day long. It may not be the future I envisioned, but, what I have is so much more.

TRIPLE DECKER

When my Dad was in a nursing home I still had one teenager at home in High School and 1 in college, and 1 newly married. I was told I was a member of the "sandwich generation."
What would you call me now with a recently widowed mother living close by, 2 adult children and their families including 4 grandchildren ..also close by, my husband and Holden real close by and a job.............maybe a triple decker?  A jam pile?   Whatever you call it-I feel like Im on the bottom most of the time.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

As I have been bringing my original Blogs out of draft mode and into publishing and sharing, I am looking back on those early times with H. and wondering how I kept it together.  I am sure those closest to me would dispute that I did.  He was so young, barely 2, not eating solid foods, not sleeping more than an hour at a time, not being able to be alone in a crib, and not talking.  It wasnt as if I was completely out of practice because the other 5 Grandchildren had come before him in rapid succession over a 5 year period and I was very involved in their lives.  But full time, sleepless nights and all day neediness was difficult to say the least.  We have come so far since those early months and years, Holden, Papa and I, yet some of the effects of early trauma and  separation issues remain.   He still cannot sleep alone for an entire night, he struggles with being separated from us, and needs constant reassurance that we are coming back.  School was a nightmare the first year. I will talk more of these challenges in future writings. 

Today I am realizing I have been letting go of his Mother. Is  is  a process for both he and I.  Even in her absence, she is with us , but in order to move on in this new family, we have to find a place for her that is a  less painful and less in the forefront of our lives.  After having him for more than 4 years, I didnt see how an adoption would change things, other than the legalities, but it has. There are no more questions about what would we do if.....or when she ever decided to take him back.  She cant now.  We are his parents.  We are his forever family.  As much as I love my daughter, and as much as I pray for her safety, and hope that she one day will turn her life around,  Holden, Papa and I couldnt wait any longer.  We all needed some closure. We  needed to heal and to go on with our lives.  And we are.  She will always be a part of us, she is my child too, and she was his Mother in the beginning of his life.  In letting her go myself, I am helping Holden to let go. I am allowing her to follow her own path, but that doesnt mean I have given up the hope that one day it will lead her back to us because we are her forever family too. 

IN THE BEGINNING

Within the year when we became full time Grand--Parents to our 2 yr. old Grandson Holden in 2008 I began writing down some of the things he would say or do that had an impact on our lives as well as some of the struggles we faced in becoming parents again in our late 50's.  Because it was a guardianship arrangement, I did not make these little stories public, but now that we have finalized his adoption on September 27, 2012, I have decided to open  my blog.  During the adoption process I stopped writing for awhile so I will be bringing that up to date while interjecting some of the older stories.
One part of Raising H. is about our journey together to become a family.  The other part of Raising H. is about what I have been doing in the State of Michigan trying to get support and services as a Kinship Caregiver with an informal guardianship.  I was ask to present a workshop at the annual Wrap Around Conference this past summer on  Grandparents Raising Grandchildren and a friend of mine helped me come up with this title.  It fit . 

SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM

GRANDMA? SOMETIMES I MISS MY MOM . This popped out casually while he was playing on his DS.
 Well, sometimes I miss her too.
 DO YOU REALLY? AWE THATS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
 Do you feel bad when you miss her?
 NO, THATS WHY I HAVE YOU. SO I DONT HAVE TO FEEL BAD. I JUST MISS HER, THATS ALL.