THAT'S LIFE

 I was ask to write an article for the local newspaper for the Great Start column about Raising a Grandchild.  I got a little carried away on  length, but it was published in today's paper in it's entirety.

A typical day in our house starts before the “sun” is up, even before the time change, because the “son” is up.  He is not now, nor has he ever been a child who sleeps.  At times those pre-dawn hours consist of quiet time cuddled between his Dad and I or wrapped in a blanket on the couch quietly watching a cartoon.  Most often, our darkness blatantly becomes light when he flips a switch and begins demanding we get up-now.  He is hungry, he cant find the remote, he wants someone with him, where’s the kindle,  he’s thirsty and any other number of reasons why we do not get our beauty sleep.   The evenings consist of playtime, homework, dinner, bath, story and the God Bless Yous. This happens in households with young children every day. Nothing unique about it.  It is part of being a parent, and you realize that someday, “this too shall pass”.   But, we have already been there and done that over three decades ago and are now on our second time around.  The “son” is our adopted grandson.  He is 7.  We are past 60.

When Lexi ask me to write an article of what it was like to be an adoptive grandparent, none of us realized it would follow the beautifully written, heartfelt story of my daughter Stephanie”s journey into the adoption of her first child.  Mine is the story of a different journey into adoption.  A journey that took  nearly 5 years to complete  and one we never intended to make.  But we would never have it any other way.

We do not feel that we are any different than any other family with a young child.  I was even present at his birth. We started with diapers, bottles and cribs, and moved on to potty training, solid food and a toddler bed. There was a time where I wondered if the three of us would be in diapers at the same time.  We walked the floor when he was sick, took him for well check ups and squeezed his hand during his imuniaztions. We were still working so we had to deal with day care. I attended Great Start play groups, joined the parent coalition and took him to Great Start Readiness pre school for 2 years.  We sat in tiny little chairs at Kindergarten round-up.  We go door to door trick or treating , visit with Santa and leave cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, as well as hide eggs and fill a basket at Easter.  It seems as though we eat our way through his Holidays because we don’t want him to get the “sugar buzz”.   It cracks me up when someone will say “Arent Grandchildren just the best.  You get to sugar them all up and send them home to their parents.”   I just smile and say” yes, that would be nice wouldn’t it.”We are providing the full experience, from his Birthday parties to summer activities, not just contributing a portion. But we have to admit, we are physically exhausted each and every day, and most mornings since he doesn’t sleep.  This is not a life for the weak. 

Holden was 18 months old when he and his Mom moved in with us and we became his full time caregiver and  guardian when he was 2.  We celebrated his adoption on September 27, 2012 when he was 6. He had some slight developmental delays at first and we had him evaluated by the Early On program through the local ESD.  His team worked with me over that first summer and he quickly caught up.  I wasn’t until he started kindergarten that the full effects of his early childhood experiences began to seriously affect his behavior and his ability to learn in spite of the fact that he is exceptionally bright and intelligent.  He began seeing a therapist and we developed an IEP plan to support him while he was at school.  I cannot say enough about the group of professionals who are working to make sure Holden is secure and to help him succeed at MCC. In fact, I started my morning today with our monthly 7:45 am meeting to discuss his progress and any changes that may be necessary to his plan.  I am so proud and grateful of the growth he is showing.

I am a very familiar person at the school.  Many of the kids think that I am an aid, stopping for me to tie a shoe or button a coat.  They are never quite sure what to call me.  “Hi, ummm, Holden’s Grandma?  Ummm, Mom? Umm whoever you are, just Hi.”   Or the one sweetheart that said “hey, you look too old to be his Mom.  You look more like his Grandma!”  Holden tells them that’s because I used to be his Grandma, but now Im just his Mom.  He told me someone was really pretty.  Then he said “well, you’re pretty too, but you’re old.”  Ed told him it was OK, “ I was really pretty old.”

 Instead of  leisure and enrichment classes, I have been taking trainings and workshops on the effect  early childhood trauma has on the developing brain, attachment disorders, separation anxiety, and sensory integration disorder.   Slowly I am beginning to follow the language of acronyms such as FAS, AS, SID . Things are measured on a spectrum instead of a straight line diagnosis.   Holden has migraines which prompted a recent visit to a UofM neurologist and a medication he cannot tolerate.  This week we have an appointment with a sleep disorder clinic and we are investigating medication for Attention Deficit  Disorder (ADD), but are trying “the diet” first.

All of this makes him sound like a real mess of a kid.  But he isn’t.  He is a terrific kid, behaving like most 7 year olds with a few glitches here and there. He makes us laugh, he frustrates us to no end and stands at the edge our limits.  Because we have raised three  before him  we have the confidence to address his needs, and if we don’t have the answer, we are humble enough to ask for help.  We totally pick our battles around here.  We do not waste our energy on frivolous arguments.   The problem is that because he is so bright, he can read us very quickly and accurately.  We have to remember to keep our buttons covered because if we don’t, he is morally bound by the 7 yr. old’s code of ethics to push them.

 Our lives are centered around what he wants and needs to succeed. We really don’t have a social life with friends our age.  We don’t quite fit and child care costs are prohibitive.   Raising a child on Social Security is not an easy task. I attend my Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Support Group and Ed has different meetings, but most of our time is spent with family.   I get my much needed Grandma time and Holden gets his cousins to play with. If I were to have a regret, it would be the lack of time and energy to spend with the other Grandchildren.  I miss that.  I long to be Cookie Grandma instead of Crabby Grandma, but it’s really hard when you are raising the youngest of the six.

 I would not be honest if I didn’t say that I would like to spend a month in Florida this winter with my sister in law, or go someplace exotic with my husband.  Like out to dinner and a movie.  I don’t have a bucket list.  I don’t have time to make one, let alone execute one.  But, it is what it is.  I have often said that in order to enjoy the life you have, you have to let go of the life you planned.  I like us.  Ed is a wonderful Dad.  He has the time and the patience now that he didn’t have 30 years ago.  We have something to focus on and work for together every single day.  Making sure that our new son feels safe, has a chance at childhood,  because that is what every child deserves.  And how often do you get that chance at our age to make that kind of a difference in another’s life.

Why would we take this on at a time in our lives when we were supposed to be enjoying ourselves and pursuing activities and plans we had put on hold for forty years?  Because we couldn’t have lived with the alternative.  Holden described it perfectly on the day he was adopted.  He wanted to return to school after court, and even though he is very private about his personal business, he announced to his 1^st grade class that he had just got adopted.  When he was ask to explain to the class what that meant he said “Well, sometimes, when you’re a little kid, things just don’t start out so good and you have to move.  But when you get adopted it means you don’t ever have to move again.”  Every night when we say the God Bless Yous, he asks for God to bless Holden and Mom and Dad because we are family.